I can't even believe its 2013..goodbye 2012 and hello new possibilities? Not really. I have found that I didn't enter this year with the bright-eyed optimism I usually have on the first day of a new year. In fact, I only see blurry, just barely able to make out what is there but seeing enough to keep moving while squinting for the clarity I once had. Its been this way for a while, I cannot pinpoint exactly when it began but I know for sure now that its no longer just something that's temporary, I guess this is the limit, my limit. The point that one can only sustain the positivity and belief that just around the corner there is the life I was supposed to have. I have no five year plan, I barely have a one month plan, the uncertainty is heavy. I know, I know..we attach a kind of hyper optimism to our lives to be able to cope with the banality of the everyday, but what happens when the constancy of the everyday is tossed around, when there are just too many factors out of your control and too many relying on you that you can only rely on the little sliver of yourself preserved very deep within but not without question. I want to believe this is a transition, a threshold into something right, we have many of these in life some more dramatic and some less but nonetheless; they become hard lines in the sand of your life but are in the present just plain bitter. I have no resolutions, I am flying by the seat of my pants and that could make for a really tough landing. They say that you must completely hit the bottom to rebuild but gosh, I don't want to see the bottom, I also realize I have a real problem being stagnant and that is the best description for me right now..stagnation. I rapidly moved up in my career at a young age and then did what most of my colleagues would call self sabotage, I had a baby and now after having two, I am a different person. I love my little ones beyond words and felt very strongly about being fully present for them for as much time as I could but in doing so, I have lost the momentum I once had. It could be that with more responsibility, I have put more pressure on myself to be something that there just aren't enough hours in the day to be but I still feel too fragmented to call it anything. I am feeling more like.."hey..its another year(sigh) than..Hey!..Happy New Year. I don't want to sound negative or ungrateful because I am grateful for all I have and that I have so many possibilities for the future, I am just not good at dealing with unplanned, unorchestrated conduct. I need complete clarity and my feet place firmly on the ground to relax and right now I don't have either and its starting to make me a bit motion sick. I used to update my five year plan at the beginning of every year but since I no longer maintain one, I have to get used to going with the flow. One conciliation is that its only the second day and I spent most of the first day in my pyjamas happily playing with babies so it can only get better right! I hope so..What to expect in 2013? I have no clue but stay tuned it's sure to be a roller-coaster of sorts.
