Nostalgia

This weekend was spent driving through Sleepy Hollow and Tarrytown quite a bit, mainly because we visited my sister at the hospital there a few times, while doing so, it got me feeling rather nostalgic for a time past. When my family moved here from Nigeria in the late 80's, we lived in Tarrytown and even though at the time it felt so foreign to me, now looking back, its the closest thing to "home" for me in the United States. As children, my siblings and I complained of boredom constantly, it almost felt like life was happening everywhere else besides there so I was taken aback when we drove through and it looked liked a new place to me. Like any other place, it has had some turnover and improvements but somehow they have preserved the essence of the place, the old and the new sit nicely together.

Although I longed for that time, it was different, I don't miss being a kid there but now with my family, I understand why families yearn to raise their families there. I marveled at the beautiful homes within Philipse Manor, the historic architecture, it all was quite impressive. It has culture and a rich fabric that my current town is devoid of and I miss that. I miss living in a place with rich history, with a story behind it that doesn't involve shelf stable cheese. Is that wrong? We moved here initially for one reason and that was to make my commute shorter, I no longer commute further North so its a bit tough to now hold on to a place that has no purpose anymore especially after living here for almost 5 years (..which is crazy!). and still feel no connection to it. Certainly I would miss the fact that I have had two babies brought home here but its been really tough to make friends and really become part of a community here, its just not that type of place I suppose. Anyway, I've really been thinking about long term plans and feel strongly about making some moves; I was raised all over the world and was exposed to different cultures early on (which had its pros and cons) and I would like my daughters to have a similar experience in life, I can't imagine them only living in Monroe for half their lives (pre-college). I would like them to develop a love of other cultures, languages and people and feel the best way to do so is to travel and live within them or at least live in a more culturally diverse* and rich community. 

(*I dont like to use the word "diverse" because I've found in the this country it often refers solely to "black, asian and spanish..." which is not what I mean.)

3 Weeks Old

Like a dream (no...really..I can barely decipher when I'm awake or asleep anymore..), my littlest girl is 3 weeks old today and she is no less amazing than the moment she came into the world. I adore her every limb. She is healthy, eating well (drinking..really), still rather quiet and a great sleeper aside from a few nights so far. She barely cries unless I take too long to get to her up when she's hungry. She's become acclimated to our bath-time regimen so she does not cry anymore and I am also more calm bathing her so it doesn't seem like torture for either of us. She makes little sounds now that seem like she's just realized she has a voice. She seems to be developing a 'look', she does resemble her sister as a baby but with softer features I think. She has pouty lips and chubby cheeks (its actually uncanny how familiar she's looks to me..maybe because of all the ultra sounds..I' don't know). 

Right now, I am sitting in my bed with her plastered to me chest sleeping comfortably (I know I should really put her down but she's so cuddly!) I feel her heartbeat and hear her breathing alternating from a slow drawn out pace to a fast paced rhythmic throaty one. Although I have begun to feel the haze of being slightly tired, I don't want to nap, I don't want to miss any moments. My little Arie is at an arts and Crafts class for a few hours so this solo time with the littlest baby is quite precious to me. Things are quiet, calm and I feel a sense of relaxation momentarily followed by a wave of panic. 

This is my existence now, I feel myself fading from individual, architect, academic, ..to "mommy" and its full on. I do consider how to embrace this and find the balance because as expected, the challenge is more emotional for me than physical. I can deal with sleepless nights, caring for two kids etc. but the struggle to redefine oneself is always a pain in any situation not only in motherhood. Maybe the current pressure is just too much for women, that we ought to be great mothers, maintain a competitive, high paying job/position and be great partners all at once, or maybe we place that pressure on ourselves but I do feel like we live ina  time where just staying home and enjoying time is hard. I had a baby three weeks a go and am already anxious about what I am doing next. So I intend to at least take the next few weeks to relax even if it means taking a quick vacation to anywhere just for a change of scenery. 

2 Weeks Old

She coo's...

Evalie is now two weeks old and she is wonderful, she keeps me on my toes, not because she's unpredictable but really because she's extremely consistent because I'm waiting anxiously waiting to see the "real" baby in her emerge. At the moment, she is quite blissful. She is on a 1-4-7-10 schedule at night so I'm not totally exhausted, I get some downtime int he evenings because once she's had a bath and nursed, she sleeps nicely for several hours while I get Arielle set for dinner and then bedtime. I'm still trying to work dinner in for myself but its getting there.

At two weeks old, she weighs 9lbs. 3oz., she's 21.5 inches long and has finally lost the umbilical stump so she has a nice little belly button and will take a real bath tonight!. We have been all around town with her even though my mom would rather she stayed home but with a restless three year old and an equally antsy husband, its almost impossible to sit inside all day. So beside two doctors visits, we've been to the park for walks, we've been to Target and Bj's for supplies and groceries, we've been to see her great grandmother in Staten Island and we've even been to the ice cream shoppe.

I love the sounds she makes already, they seem so intentional, almost like she's really trying to communicate with us. She also looks dead at me sometimes, she must be studying the faces and voices around her.

She stares...

She, like her big sister has really bright eyes, hers are more like steel grey right now where as Arielle's were brown at this age.

She smiles...

The smiles are now quite often and seem to be even be in response to my talking over her..they can't possibly still be gas..can they? She's seems like shes naturally a really happy kid already, she smile in her sleep and when awake. She sleeps very easily and very peaceful which I am thankful for because I am not a zombie and Arielle can be as loud as she wants and it does not wake her.

She sleeps...

Portrait of a Mother: Part II

A few months ago, I began to write about and work through my feelings about being a mother to a little girl and also the realization that I would soon be a mother to two little girls in a post called 'Portrait of a Mother', I was 26 weeks pregnant at the time. In hindsight, I could have never fully understood what it is to have these two children until it actually happened, and today, a typical Wednesday morning, is not at all 'typical' for me. My mind is slowly realizing that I am in fact a mother of these two precious little ones; its been two weeks since Evalie was born but today is my first day without the support of many nurses and doctors, my mom, sisters and brother, I have no guests, play dates scheduled..and my husband is gone. (he's back to work today!). I am truly and solely responsible for them, they will depend on me for everything (one, more so than the other). I think the biggest pressure I feel right now is to not make Arielle feel like she isn't getting any attention, but also to balance the time that I spend with Evalie because I have waited so long for theses moments and they are fleeting, I want the opportunity to savor them. I want to be able to play with Arielle, cuddle with her and also have time to cuddle my little bundle while she still fits nicely in between my bosom and my palm. Its a challenge, a nice one, the one I've chosen for myself. 

I may look tired and not so fashionable for now but its these times we will look back on and miss dearly, I want to be able to look back fondly and be thankful that I took the time off to be with my babies.