Portrait of a Mother

The last three years have resulted in some quite fascinating changes for me; certainly it didn't seem so at the time but any opportunity I get to look back over the last three years and envision where I was (physically, emotionally, professionally etc.) and where I am now in almost every aspect of my life-what I thought my life was or should have been, I marvel at the many differences. Some of these changes have been carefully planned and highly anticipated, like the decision to become a mother and some have been somewhat uncontrollable and unanticipated, like giving birth to a baby girl. I had always imagined being a mother to boys so I never ever mentally prepared for a daughter, in fact it never occurred to me to think about what it might entail. Don't get me wrong, having a child whether a boy or girl  and at any age, can have a profound effect on any woman's life but for me personally, facing the prospect of mothering a little girl presented a different kind of challenge. The reasons for this are still somewhat elusive in my mind even after 3.5 years.

I am now having to revisit those feelings, I am 26 weeks along with another baby and its a girl so I am again questioning my ability to raise girls without a clear understanding of why I feel so intensely nervous by this. I myself was raised with 5 sisters, I have friends and family raising two or more girls and have recently read about the intensity by which the lack of an opportunity to have a daughter affects some women's lives.

A. me with my daughter

My daughter has changed my life, she is my best friend (under 3' tall), I have transformed myself and my life without even realizing it to accommodate her, to be with her, to protect her. She has reached back into the depths of my life and reshuffled everything I 'knew' my life would be, what I thought was my passion, how I defined my life and its value. Any mother will tell you how amazing their kids are, it comes with the territory like a girl scout badge everyone gets once they have conquered the nine or ten months of pregnancy and experienced bringing a human being into the world. I have nothing to compare the effect of motherhood to, except the intensity and hurt brought on by the sudden loss of my father, which effects have persisted beyond my own comprehension..but thats another story for another day.

B. my daughter

I recently decided that one possible reason why unexpected and/or dramatic change has such a polarizing effect on me, has to do with the fact that I have always relied heavily on making anf following very detailed lists...sounds inconsequential right, maybe, but when 'The List' becomes almost like a map or script for your life, something to rely on as if it would come true as it was written, there wasn't any room for improvisation. I don't do improv very well, I don't like impromptu, I follow plans..regularly..without realizing it, I had invested time into planning many years of my life on paper,  trained myself to rely on whatever the list said was going to happen or what I would achieve as my reality, so when life didn't go the way it was written (by me obviously..which is why it unravels) or even worse, something that hadn't even crossed my mind was devastating to me. 'The List' allowed me the comfort to confront life with the confidence that  I (thought) needed. And then she came....

She has taught me to see life differently, value myself more, be willing to laugh and love. Its taken me still a few years to release a bit and become vulnerable to life's changes, I still write lists but they are more trivial, like what to buy from Target (so I don't get sucked into the abyss that is Target) or things I need to do on Saturday etc. but never anything beyond a few weeks. So I guess, baby steps may seem small but sometimes thats all one needs to really effect change.