Fathers - June 1 2014

On June 1st 2002 I lost my father. It was sudden, very hard and complicated to get through but it has forced me to reckon with trying to really understand who he was as a person before being my dad and also looking at my husband and trying to imagine what his daughters will think, learn and remember of him in the future. The day to day with him as a father is certainly much different than I had experienced with with my father, our relationship was much more complex. I didn't really have a day to day with him, he was always travelling so I saw my father for short periods of time over several visits each year. He ruled from a afar, he always seemed to be the backbone of the family but not immediately present. There was also 6 years where I was away in boarding school so our relationship was even less regular. I always loved him and I knew he adored his kids but just differently and from a distance. This wasn't uncommon amongst my peers growing up, many kids fathers were away a lot but my father was perpetually away. When he was around in between flights to and from every country around the world or on Christmas holidays in Langtang, we had long, lively meals around the dinner table, outside by the pond, under the itulum tree,  where he transformed into this dramatic storyteller, this is how I began to understand the formative years in his life which were quite poignant  and what I now realize have become moments where I saw my father as a human being. He was very funny and charismatic in a way that left his audience feeling like they had been momentarily part of something he had experienced. Through these stories he taught us kids lessons on how to be strong, persevere with unwavering determination, be proud of our background, to believe in ourselves and our ability to be come anything we aspired to be. He challenged us, he was as strict as a military commander, would not put with any nonsense but could dance with us playfully as we took turns holding his hands. I remember after he passed, I found some old tapes of us at home and on one of them was a big Christmas celebration I remember in the village when we were younger with hundreds of local people gathered and the Angas dancers were there performing, he was in the midst of the crowd dancing and looked out at whoever was recording to warn them to make sure they got this on tape because "I am recording this for my kids" he said as he proudly danced amongst the traditional dancers. Those are the things that remained with me, not when I saw him on TV or in the paper but when he was relaxed and genuinely content just being home.

 

As a father, my husband has it quite different, we both work everyday and have some help but when we're home she leaves so we try to manage the hours we have with the kids pretty strictly, we are usually on a pretty tight schedule especially now with two kids and one in kindergarten. Between bathtime, dinner, cleaning up dinner, homework, reading books and getting ready for bed, we barely get that fluff time, the magical time where one puts everything down to simply appreciate the present. We are efficient through our planning but I sometimes wish we had more time to relax unscheduled. This lifestyle is taking a toll on him (and me), the lack of personal time is hard. For a split second when he gets home and the kids are so excited to see him, it is magical but we quickly return to the rigor our life.

He does help with the kids when he's home but he also gets overwhelmed by them, he's funny and in the evening we have family time to laugh and play. He is quite stern with Arielle about doing her schoolwork, he gets frustrated by her nonchalant attitudes sometimes towards learning to read and trying to get her to commit to either piano or ballet.

I wonder if the absence of my dad made the moments he was present more magnified in my mind and if then, the regular presence of the their dad leaves him open to be taken for granted or vice versa, him not realizing  the fleeting nature of life. Not to suggest that every moment in life should be a teaching moment, but I do think we need to carve out the time to create even force ourselves to impart something long-lasting on our kids and make an effort to reinforce it so that it remains with them for life. Those are the moments they will take with them amidst all the chaos and noise..there will be something...the magical.

Wedding In Oneonta

Wedding season is upon us..I love weddings.... I really do. I really like the idea of just being a guest  not being in the wedding and just being an onlooker and having fun instead. I've only been a bridesmaid twice, both for my sisters but I've attended to a fair amount of weddings and no one is ever the same, with the right crowd, it can really be fun, with the wrong crowd, its a bore...and this one was not a let down. There were ups and there were downs but in the end it turned out to be fun and anyway I think the more important part of the whole day is what happens after the party.

Now, if you ever wake up one morning and decide you want to check out Oneonta, let me warn you now.. there is no direct way to get to Oneonta, its really, really quite circuitous to get to and then even further. We found ourselves on the way to Oneonta to attend the wedding of a family friend, one of my brothers oldest  and dearest friend who coaches basketball for the college team up there. On our way there we not only got stuck behind a slow moving tractor trailer on a single lane highway (apparently upstate NY only has single lane highways!)  for about 20 minutes, there were several cow crossings, deer crossings etc..and then a stopped vehicle which we couldn't go around..the single lane highway thing again...quite an adventure. 

The ride started out nicely, we left the house early, kids and nanny in tow, snacks and drinks; every ones clothes nicely hung and off we went. The first leg of the trip was fine and then we got upstate and it really turned to cow country. I realize most of New york state looks like this, it was an eerie feeling, no one in sight just animals, tractors, trucks and livestock on the side of these single lane thoroughfares. We pulled into town within one hour of the wedding and once we found the hotel we rushed in hoping they'd let us check in early so we could freshen up and change. They did! We also saw the bride and her entourage getting ready too. My mom and sisters arrived soon after and we all got our selves ready and headed to the church..LATE.as usual. Who shows up late for a wedding..well.. we do, we're a slow moving ship on our own but throw in other kids and three more women..and it we're like molasses in the winter. So we took some pictures in the hallway while waiting for them to get dressed...can you tell how thrilled Evalie was?

Arielle was just happy to be wearing a dress..she tries to wear dresses everyday..no jeans, no denim, no shorts..she's really the girliest girl I know. So she's thrilled with any occasion that requires a dress, jewelry, hair, nice shoes..look out.

I love this shot of her and her daddy, She's got such effortless beauty, I wish she understood why its okay to be/ look like her. She always seems to wish she had straight blonde hair, not that theres anything wrong with that..you know how girls are though..always wanting to look like or dress like someone else... when instead we should be able accentuate our unique qualities rather than try to assimilate with the crowd.. I digress..back to the wedding. 

It was a bittersweet day, as the bride, had lost her father the night before but she (they) made the best of it and it was a beautiful day as they released butterflies into the air.  My brother was taking his job very seriously..make sure those butterflies fly!

Afterwards we did the "meet and greet" with the bridal party and hung around a little longer outside the church then returned to the hotel to change clothes. Everyone (in our car at least) was starving and we didn't want to wait until cocktail hour so we stopped for lunch at Panera bread..we got tons of food ( didn't know one could spend so much in the drive thru!) because the kids were not allowed at the reception so we needed to have dinner for them as well. Our nanny aka their "other mommy" came with us and would be watching all four girls ( my two and my two nieces together) while we went to the reception.  The good thing was that the reception was in our hotel so we got the kids situated in two linked rooms and headed down to cocktail hour. Without getting into the specifics..the evening turned out to be quite odd, funny..strange..I don't know.  Under the table bar...strange unknown reggae songs..Andy Samberg look- a- like doing the robot..it was quite a night.

Arielle, 5

Easter Lunch

We were invited to a friends home for Easter lunch and everyone opted to bring something to share at lunch, we decided to bring some appetizers to add to the Easter lunch plan. One thing to note is anytime we have an event the food we serve or order is usually directly tied to the current cravings of my husband. This time it was scotch eggs and bacon..breakfast themed food! I though it'd be a simple thing to make a few par boiled eggs and bake some shrimp. Problem was, I had never made scotch eggs before..

Anyhow, after church (ok we intended to go to church but ran into some hurdles..) we headed over the White Plains for lunch and yet another egg hunt. This one was supposed to be more intimate and fun because it was organized by my mom so I thought it was great idea especially for the little ones to get have a chance to really look and discover the eggs. I love to see the look on their faces when they do. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a scaled down version on yesterdays egg hunt because the two 11 years olds basically scooped up all the eggs with minutes leaving the little kids in the dust once again.

We started with some very lovely sangria made by my sister and I made bacon wrapped shrimp and scotch eggs which is something we used to have all the time in Nigeria but have never had since moving here. It's really a British dish not very American at all, I got the recipe from Bon Apetit and figured if it came out bad I'd just bring the shrimp..luckily, they actually came out quite nice.

Baked bacon wrapped shrimp

Scotch Eggs

Mom brought Easter baskets, tons of candy and easter eggs, face paint/decorating kits and more for the kids and then as they watched eagerly from the window, she spread the eggs out in the backyard..she really just put them right out in the open ..no efforts to hide them at all to the dismay of the older kids but I thought it would be rewarding for the little ones who barely even knew what to do. When she called the kids out, Ayden and Shaina jumped over the little kids and immediately collected every single egg! I then made them put them all back in new hiding places so that the little kids could see them and then we had to restart the egg hunt.

 Look at that face..you'd think she found gold in the grass..

 confusion sets in as all the eggs disappeared..

 My nephew wondering what all the excitement is all about..

Mikki, set a beautiful table serving an elegant lunch, a combination of American and Nigerian food- we had roasted lamb, honey glazed ham, egg salad, roasted chicken, quiche, spinach soup and more...various pies and cookies. Its fun hanging out with them (the Williams's), they have extremely polite kids, Mikki and I have a lot in common and it's generally a relaxed gathering with lots of laughing and dancing when we do. And then in an interesting yet funny turn of events..my mom had lollipop "grills" for for the kids...this basically concluded our Easter 2014..WESTSIDE!..

Westside!

Easter Egg Hunting.

This year was Evalie's first Easter in the US because last year we were in Nigeria and although we had a lovely lunch with my family, we didn't do the traditional egg hunt. I used to color the actual hard boiled eggs with Arielle but could never get passed ending up with tons of eggs with color bleeding into them..what do you do with them? No one would eat them..anyway and I kind of don't lone the cheap plastic eggs..unfortunately I'm yet to find another option. So this year ( after a long, long long winter!) the sun came out and we got ready to hunt. We joined my nieces and and a few friend (and hundreds of other kids to my surprise) at the Stoney Point egg hunt.

 Of course as soon as they saw eggs they went running into the field to get them without realizing the swell of kids behind the line just waiting to here "go"...I didn't realize what was to come. I figures a leisurely walk while picking eggs along the way..I WAS WRONG.

Once they cut the line, the kids came flying towards us and within minutes, there wasn't an egg left on the grass. I immediately grabbed Evalie's hand because the kids wouldn't even stop long enough to avoid knocking her over. The kids were strategic and rough, it was like being in the midst of a football game. Surveying the baskets, both Evalie and Arielle barely had gotten anything and began to get upset but obviously, the organizers of this event anticipated this occurrence and came around with bags full of additional eggs dropping them right in front of the kids so they could pick them up without having to dodge..13 year old boys..who by the way should really not have been participating..

 Eventually, the crowds scattered and the kids got to play in the grass and and in a bouncy pen. I especially like this odd couple. Evalie (1.5 years) and my niece (11 years) have quite a friendship, its very cute.