WORK? Childcare or Homecare?

Arielle at 2 months old

When I found out I was expecting my first child, I was ecstatic as you may imagine but as things settled in I began to think of the consequences of returning to work after baby. This is an issue that is extremely complex and certainly varies widely depending on your position in your field and income but in general, I think after 40weeks of worrying about the well being of your baby within your body, the baby is born and precious and then the worrying continues but just in another way. 

Once you emerge from the initial fog of new motherhood, reality sets in and you realize you may have made a decision (determined parental leave) which seemed like the right one many months before actually meeting your little one but may actually be harder to fulfill than you ever expected. Sure there are the logical issues like money but then there are heavier issues like mentally returning to normal (mommy brain is real you'all!)  and the biggest, hardest part (for me..at least) was parting with this little thing you love so much and handing him/ her over to a person you may have met a few times. Not everyone has this 'problem', some people are fortunate to have family members to help out or have the ability to work from home etc. but for many women, the idea of having to return to work is hard to deal with moreover, is there anyone who you feel is suited to take care of your newborn?

I am an assistant professor and have taught for several years so for me the situation was a bit complicated because of the higher education structure, basically  the Fall semester begins in August and Spring semester begins in January and I remember looking into the faculty handbook and realizing that although the benefits were absolutely fantastic, they suggested that we try to align our paternal leave with the semester scheduling. My daughter was due at the end of September so I could take the Fall semester off (with full pay) and return in January which at the time seemed like I couldn't have planned it better but in fact, she was born in October and the months between that and January flew by, and suddenly there I was leaving my home to a perfect stranger and handing my 3 month old baby over to a woman I had found through an ad we placed, I was a mess, I cried every morning in private. I thought it would be easier to at least have someone with the baby in our home with our things and the baby in her own crib where she could be fully attended to..it wasnt. Arielle eventually began attending a daycare center when she was 10 months old and could walk..this was still hard.

This time around, my timing is actually worse if thats even possible; my semester ends in a few weeks, I'll be about 34 weeks and the baby is due July 1st which basically means I have 7 or 8 weeks before the Fall semester! I have to decide by Monday if I intend to return for Fall 2012 or not which means I need to have some idea of who will watch the baby and how much this will cost. Arielle's current daycare/preschool also takes babies at 8 weeks but I feel really apprehensive about leaving such a young baby in a group scenario especially if I am trying to nurse. I feel strongly about mothering, being present and instilling certain things early on so in my mind the benefits of staying with my baby far outweigh the monetary gain I would get from returning to work after 7 weeks but if I don'd do so then I am out from June until January which may be a bit too long to stay home I think as well as keep Arielle home from play/preschool. Anyway, I had decided last year to try to just do what feels right and everything will fall into place, its a very vulnerable place to be but it may just be the spirit of this time.