40 in 40

Today I officially have 40 days to go.. (you know until the baby decides to pop! I have spent the last 8 months worrying about my health and that of my little passenger, trying to balance work, being a wife, mother and planning for the arrival of our new family member. I have experienced every emotion many times, experienced every extreme in the privacy of my home or in public, doubted myself and lost my patience, and now after having one day off, and having to remind myself several times today to calm down, to realize that I now have reached the point I have been longing for, time to relax, I can't. 


I am still a bit on edge and feel like I should be rushing again but in fact, I have most things done, in reality if I were to have the baby today, all physical things are in place (except maybe the need to run to Target for a few little things). What is missing, is my mental clarity and a opportunity to truly savor the last moments of life as I know it. Just as dramatic as the first child, this too will have a huge impact on my life and I'm not sure Austin or Arielle comprehends the magnitude of this impending change. I on the other hand feel like it will be up to me to keep things in order. It will never again be just me and Arie alone (we've been able to spend a lot of time together since she was born) and I need to prepare for that. I know she will be a fantastic big sister, I can see it in how she acts right now but I really hope I can live up to the challenge, I need to, for myself, for Arielle and for this tiny baby who has no idea what she's about to encounter. 

Before this happens, I am initiating a small project that will encourage me to spend the next 40 days really trying to fully appreciate at least one thing each day. This is not to say that I don't do so already but I don't do it consciously enough, to take the time to really think about what I have, what surrounds me, what I surround myself with, why things have meaning, what defines me, affects me, what I may take for granted etc. Wow, that sounds a bit daunting already..well its supposed to be a fun way to document the little things, a refreshing look at everyday..maybe. Let's see if I get to 40...

Melancholy

This Saturday started out a bit strange and continued to be quite challenging for me; it was a glorious day but I was exhausted with a capital E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D! I woke up at about 8am and stayed up for most of the morning, made breakfast for everyone while husband and baby were outside planting for hours. The time alone is usually appreciated but I was not handling it well, I was feeling really 'alone'. Feeling a bit unlike myself, heavy, blurred and just not normal. This was very disappointing because I had planned to either go to the The Great Googa Mooga Festival in Brooklyn's Prospect park or just check out the Thomas Bull Memorial park (some lady told me about on friday) and spend the day out enjoying the weather; neither happened.

Without detailing the actual events of the morning that set off my permanent cloud over my head, I will say that this is something I am used to and can usually get out of rather quickly on my own so as not to waste any valuable time I could spend with Arielle having fun. This time I could not shake it, I was mentally weighted, feeling doubt about decisions I cannot go back and change, feeling like I needed to convince myself that the rest of the year will turn out to be as wonderful as I have imagined it would be.

I eventually took a nap ( which I never do no matter how tired I am), I slept from noon until I peeked out and saw that it was 1:35 and I didn't even want to get up and thats what bothered me, I don't like feeling and haven't felt like that in a while..you know the feeling of just not wanting to face the day! As the day went on I tried to loosen up, I needed to feed and take care of my daughter, we hadn't even had any lunch and there I was sleeping the day away.

I'll just say that even though it took a few hours the day got slightly better with food, fresh air and summer (like) sunlight. Arielle always gets me to smile. Since my last day of class is tomorrow, I'll have a few grading issues to tie up but then I am free  to focus on having a baby. Judging from yesterday, this could be really good or really bad, I get the feeling the next few weeks will be mentally tough rather than physically, I will continue to hit the gym until June 14th which is when my 'medical' suspension (..gym speak for we won't continue to charge you for something you  haven't used in several months) begins and Arielle has until May 31st in daycare/preschool and then we're taking her out for the summer. I plan to take advantage of the next two weeks, so I'll take her in even though I'll be home just so I get sometime to myself, she gets time to play with her friends and then in June we're going to take swim lessons together at the new YMCA until I can no longer move...if this kid is anything like my sweet girl, she'll be here one week late (July 8th)..and thus making for a really lame July 4th. Yay!..NOT..!

Week 34

I am swollen, thirsty and tired..no..I'm exhausted. I could probably sleep until July and still be tired! Luckily I had most of this week off, I only had to work on Monday, then attend my sisters graduation  at Columbia University on Wednesday (which in my state is considered work because it required my getting dressed and taking the 7:57 train with a 3 1/2 year old..). and Friday. That was enough to completely put me out. The baby has been moving a lot which is still very cool to feel, the movements are much more deliberate and even visible to the naked eye..Arielle is really intrigued by the movement but I'm still not sure she realizes that there is a human being in there.

On Wednesday morning, Arie and I made our way to the train station to get the 7:57 into Penn station. We had a few hiccups..mainly because I can't run, the trains arrived and I had a stroller, diaper bag and Arielle ( who's afraid of trains!) to carry on. Once we settled in, I pulled out a magazine and she played on my phone. About 20 minutes into the ride, I felt really strange, I could not breath, I felt faint and a bit cloudy, I started gasping for air while trying not to make a scene..some passengers noticed and inquired if I was in labor, I had never felt anything like this before, I was getting hotter and feeling like I was going to faint. I called Austin to let him know partially because I wanted a distraction to see if I could get it to stop and also to make sure he knew just in case something happened to me and Arielle was alone (or with Transit police..his number would be my last call and she knows her daddy s name!) Talking to him did not help and it continued..luckily one of the passengers who was sitting close by is a mom of one of the kids at Arielle's school so I felt a bit better that she would help me or Arielle if something were to happen. Anyway, after about 10 minutes, I caught my breath and felt a bit more stable but was left with a pain in my chest and headache. When we finally got off the train I almost turned around to return home instead of trying to transport all our stuff all the way to through the station to the 1 train uptown! I did it anyway with a lot of help from strangers (who says New Yorkers aren't nice..they were amazing!). We made it uptown, into the graduation space and even found my mom and sister in the crowds! The ceremony turned out to be quite nice and we even made it lunch.

On Friday, I had another quick doctors appointment and found out basically nothing but I'm now assuming if they don't say anything, then thats good. One encouraging thing was that I met a doctor who I have only seen once, very early on and she seemed really nice and personable that day which means I'm feeling a bit better about who will be on call when labor beings. I heard the baby's heartbeat, I've gained a total of 22lbs and will be back there in two weeks for the GBS test. Yay! 6 weeks to go..may be less?

Baby Birth Announcements

Classic Birth Announcement

I don't know this baby nor do I know the owner of this company BUT I really enjoy the little cards they make and have decided to order some birth announcements from them. The place is called Pinhole Press and I found it through another blog I keep up with ( I think they may be friends). Anyway, for Arielle, I dropped the ball on the birth announcements and actually got some folks angry because they found out I had the baby through the grapevine instead of from me and felt really hurt that they weren't told, called or something! So this time, I will try not to be a lazy bum and actually be proactive; one of the things I will do in my free time between now and the first contraction will be to print out labels so that as soon as the little one makes her debut, I can snap a shot, upload it and get my cards made. Sound ambitious..yes maybe but I did say 'Try'.

I guess people like to do things online these days through some form of social media but I actually really love paper, card stock and such. Theres something really nice about actually getting your mail and having something meaningful in the pile of junk (and checks of course), I search for it like a squirrel looking for nuts in a pile of leaves. So as much as people continue to send Evites for parties, post birth announcements on Facebook etc..I will continue to favor the tactile. My impending birth is making me both excited and nervous at once, I really look forward to the change but am right now feeling like I need a break with the two people who keep me going before that number become three. I just realized a few days ago that I only have 3 free weekends of the 7 remaining before my due date and one of them is actually memorial day weekend! I am now frantically looking for a quick getaway for the three of us for the 4-day weekend but everything is booked..I am sure theres got to be some piece of land covered in sand, adjacent to water that hasn't been commercialized and sold off to the highest bidder. I literally want some relaxation without any crowds (because really I shouldn't be allowed to be seen in public let alone in a bathing suit right now) and just some quiet with the smell of ocean. Is that too much to ask?