Sick.

You ever feel out of sorts but don't know why? Like you want to spend a good hour crying in your bathroom and then take a nap just in order to get back to normal? So fragile of a temperament that any little mishap or disappointment seems like the end of the world? Well I do sometimes..it creeps up on me, mostly catching mu unawares until I have an extreme melt down and either scream at the top of my lungs or get sick.  Its something I've dealt with all my life but only realizing it as an adult and trying to control it somewhat. In this case, I had a very very strange feeling at work the afternoon, I was nauseous ( no I'm not pregnant!), I felt physically sensitive, my head was spinning, my heart was pounding, I was freezing even though it was 90+ degrees outside and I had a light wrap on. I had thought I was bit out of it that morning but ignored it to maybe being tired but by mid afternoon, I had to leave, I went home, bypassed the kids and nanny and went to bed for a few hours, I was in pain..everywhere..I could not eat but I was hungry, I was thirsty but couldn't imagine putting a drop of liquid in my mouth without gagging. I got out of bed for a dentist appointment ( I know..I'm a great patient huh?) and to do the evening shift of baths, pajama race and dinner. luckily, by the time I go home form the dentist the hubby had done most of this and I got to lay on the couch. After spending a little time with the kids and husband that evening I went back to bed..I remember looking outside and thinking it was still light out! 

Anyway, I feel better and its now the weekend so I plan to relax for two days and I was offered the week off from work, which I may also take..since half of the week is Fourth of July celebration anyways! I don't know what triggered this reaction, I have been a bit upset over a loss of a family member for over a week but not fully able to deal with it, I've been a bit flustered by the influx of negative RSVP's for Evalie's first birthday party from the husbands family members since I really would not have planned such an expensive party if not for them and I've been feeling like I haven't spent any real quality time with my kids in months because it feels like we are always rushing out somewhere. I do the morning rush by myself before the nanny gets in I have to feed the kids and get myself ready also. Now that Evalie walks I'm constantly nervous she's going to hurt herself because she's still very wobbly. Breathe. 

I guess, I need to be a bit more aware of my place in life, I'm older, I have two kids, I work full time and then some, I don't exercise enough and I worry a lot. I am constantly on the edge or on the verge of a meltdown it seems these days..or I'm dreaming of being away..like a 10 day vacation on a beach somewhere with very tan people misting my face and serving frozen cocktails. I 'm making a promise to myself to relax more, worry less, appreciate my simple life (simplify it even more..), not be bothered by other peoples shortcoming and be healthy. So there.!

To My Valentines// 2013

I love you two more than words can say...Happy Valentines day.

These days..

These days, I am thankful for quiet mornings folding laundry with my little girl. She sits and plays while I organize her cloths. We smile at each other and silently assure each other that everything is OK. She doesn't realize how much her smile assures me. Happy Monday.

Meatpie Recipe

I may not be an expert chef and by no means claim to be a fantastic chef either BUT I try, to make things that I and my family like to eat. Meat pies are a bit time consuming but pretty good transportable and reheatable food (within reason). The ingredients are also rather versatile so these neat little packages work with most peoples palettes.  I have made these a few times and decided to take a few picture this time while making them for International day. Its fairly easy to make but requires some advance planning and a little extra effort when working with the pastry dough.

Makes 24 medium size pies

Ingredients
8 cups of All purpose flour
4 sticks of butter (softened)
2 cups water (ice cold)
3 lbs Ground beef
2 eggs

Salt -to taste

1 teaspoon red pepper flakes 

1 teaspoon black pepper

3 maggi cubes

1 medium yellow onion-diced
2 tablespoon of olive oil
Mixed vegetables- peas, carrots, corn (optional)
Potatoes- chopped (optional)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

For filling:

1. Heat olive oil in a skillet and add diced onion, cook until translucent and soft
2. Add ground beef, salt, to pan and brown. Add Maggi cubes, red pepper and black pepper.
3. If using potatoes, chop and add to pan and cook until softened ( they will continue to cook in the oven..)
4. Add mixed vegetables and cook for about 5 minutes.
5. Set aside to cool.

For pastry:

1. Put half the flour and half the butter in a bowl and begin to fold together using your fingertips until it becomes a grainy like the consistency of breadcrumbs.
2. Add 1 cup of water and knead together to form a ball and seta side.
3. Repeat process.
4. Roll out dough to a 1/4" thick onto a clean, floured surface and cut out 6" circles. 
5. Take each circle and roll out a bit more then fill with 4 tablespoons of filling on one half of the circle.
6. Wash the edges of the pastry with egg and fold over to close.
7. Using a fork, seal the edges of the pastry, poke the top as well to allow steam to escape and set on a cookie sheet.
8. Repeat process until done.
9. Using a brush apply egg-wash the tops of each one.
10. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. 

Serve with a good pepper sauce on the side.

4. roll out dough

6. Fold over and close with fork

9. Eggwash

Coney Island Beach

Labor day weekend is usually the weekend everyone goes away but we did the weekend before and stayed home for Labor day. So we decided to take some local day trips hoping that the city would be empty and we could squeeze in a few more days of summer. We went to Coney Island beach which was kind of an adventure for us because although my husband is from Brooklyn, he hadn't been to this beach since he was a child. Coney Island is kind of an icon but doesn't boast of the best (cleanest) beach. But for our purposes, it was perfect that day. I was just looking for a relaxing afternoon, the cool breeze, smells of the ocean and sounds of the waves while Arielle wanted to play in sand (which she wants to do everyday!) It was nice to see I wasn't the only one dragging a Bugaboo down the sand, I needed to because my little Evie was sleeping the whole time although every time she got hit with a cool breeze she gasped and cooed! It was very cute. It looks like we are getting better at balancing outings with the two kids..we are still not able to leave the house as quickly as we'd like but at least we leave the house...showered..and looking somewhat decent. 

Gone fishing..

It's ironic that we actually went fishing yesterday since I sometime feel like I literally live by that idiom, "gone fishing", this phrase refers to someone who has consciously removed him/herself from a situation. When the stress of modern life becomes a bit too much, an idyllic retreat can be just what is needed to regain a sense of calm... 

I dislike fishing because it involves stringing up some form of slimy bait which rattles my severe case of germophobia and then sitting and waiting patiently for something to happen..another thing I don't do well but I went along yesterday because it was something to occupy time and create a space that seemed different even though it was temporary. I say its ironic also because its my anniversary (7 years married but 16 years together!) today and on this day I find myself wondering how other people keep from feeling like they need a break from their lives. I know the spiel, life is tough, relationships need work, healing takes time...these are the things we are told over and over, generally in situations where people really don't have anything more specific or meaningful to say, and often times find themselves in a state of self reflection as a result of it. But really, I would think that rather than celebrate with nice dinners, jewelry, flowers and such, maybe the anniversary should be spent as a time to reflect on life and in a sense revise ones strategy for dealing with life's rigors. Maybe there are couples out there with perfect relationships that don't get strained in any way by the little (or big) things but I'll be the first to say that I'm not perfect so what happens when we stop trying? When we've gone fishing..

Happy Birthday.

To my husband. As you close one and begin another year, I wish for you to have a wonderful day and hope for the best year. I look forward to the experience of how this year will unfold and am happy we are able to continue this journey together.

These days...

These days, the only thing I seem to yearn for is silence, a moment to be still and for my heart to stop racing, when all is said and done albeit temporary but its a blissful little piece of time that I search for each day to just be me, to observe from a distance, to appreciate the goodness we've created and to hope for the future. 

By the way don't Arie and Evie's profiles look similar? same button nose, deep eyes and peppy lips (and "Yes"...Arie has a binky.. don't judge her! "Yes", she's almost four but still holds on to some baby securities..I choose my battles!)

Finding Her Balance

Try and try again..this is a lesson I haven't really had to teach my daughter so far she does so on her own, she is very persistent about things she finds interesting or she is determined to do (Thank God!). She's been watching the amazing young girls of the U.S. Gymnastics team and has become even more enamored by gymnastics than she was earlier this summer. I had tried to get her into a gymnastics course for the summer but they wouldn't allow her to join because she was not four years old yet, so she's found every occasion to practice on her own...in our living room, at parks, in the back etc. And she can do this for hours just trying to get her balance..she yells out "look mommy I stuck my landing!". How precious! As a new big sister, she has had a shaky few weeks, she was my baby in every sense of the word and being told she isn't a baby anymore has seemed more like a punishment to her so I am almost in tears when I see her excited and relaxed (not questioning if I still love her..) I really hope she can find her balance...

Nostalgia

This weekend was spent driving through Sleepy Hollow and Tarrytown quite a bit, mainly because we visited my sister at the hospital there a few times, while doing so, it got me feeling rather nostalgic for a time past. When my family moved here from Nigeria in the late 80's, we lived in Tarrytown and even though at the time it felt so foreign to me, now looking back, its the closest thing to "home" for me in the United States. As children, my siblings and I complained of boredom constantly, it almost felt like life was happening everywhere else besides there so I was taken aback when we drove through and it looked liked a new place to me. Like any other place, it has had some turnover and improvements but somehow they have preserved the essence of the place, the old and the new sit nicely together.

Although I longed for that time, it was different, I don't miss being a kid there but now with my family, I understand why families yearn to raise their families there. I marveled at the beautiful homes within Philipse Manor, the historic architecture, it all was quite impressive. It has culture and a rich fabric that my current town is devoid of and I miss that. I miss living in a place with rich history, with a story behind it that doesn't involve shelf stable cheese. Is that wrong? We moved here initially for one reason and that was to make my commute shorter, I no longer commute further North so its a bit tough to now hold on to a place that has no purpose anymore especially after living here for almost 5 years (..which is crazy!). and still feel no connection to it. Certainly I would miss the fact that I have had two babies brought home here but its been really tough to make friends and really become part of a community here, its just not that type of place I suppose. Anyway, I've really been thinking about long term plans and feel strongly about making some moves; I was raised all over the world and was exposed to different cultures early on (which had its pros and cons) and I would like my daughters to have a similar experience in life, I can't imagine them only living in Monroe for half their lives (pre-college). I would like them to develop a love of other cultures, languages and people and feel the best way to do so is to travel and live within them or at least live in a more culturally diverse* and rich community. 

(*I dont like to use the word "diverse" because I've found in the this country it often refers solely to "black, asian and spanish..." which is not what I mean.)

Week 40

 So here we are..July 1st, a new month, one that I thought I may just enter with a baby on the outside but no such luck. I am officially at the end of the road with no new path in sight so I will wait..sitting idle until I can move onto the next phase..wait..nooooo...thats not a good plan at all. Ok, so we all knew this would happen..babies are perpetually late, these freaks of nature who have their babies naturally early don't really exist do they? they must be mythical creatures because I've never met one..!
Ok, just kidding but really, I am proud to have made it to this point especially through week 40 which can feel a bit like a life sentence if you're not careful, I am feeling strong and energetic so much so that I spent hours walking around a carnival yesterday! I let it all go, well as much as a 40 week preg can do, so no rides or anything but I did eat a funnel cake for the first time in my life, it just seemed appropriate at the time.

I am still swollen, maybe more so now since we're in the middle of a heat wave in NYC, I am running out of things to wear, I'm starting to feel like a camouflaging myself, hence the outfit...but Good. So, as a very obviously pregnant person you know that your time has come when men of a certain age begin to comment on your condition in public!  The females are mostly still positive, they look at me and smile (either with joy, envy or pity..I'd like to think its not the latter) but the men are becoming ruthless! At dinner on friday, a man just came right out and said..."Are there two or three in there..hahaha...?" not so funny little man! At Target, a man walked by me and congratulated me as if to politely say.."shouldn't you be on a hospital bed somewhere getting that taken care of by now?". The best comment of all came from my own husband yesterday, when I practically rolled out of a lawn chair at the pool and discovered I had been sitting on a bee (a rather large, hairy one too..yuck!) and inadvertently ended its life, my daughter frantically checked my backside to see if I had been stung while he remarked "now thats what I call a real bee-hind"! What the F...is this what I have become..the butt of peoples jokes..no pun intended!

Anyway, I don't intend to remain a spectacle for much longer even though I am not doing anything crazy to will this kid out as of this moment but I really hope she just feels for me and decides its time... today! I see the docs tomorrow afternoon, at which point I will basically pull a "Occupy" on them until they offer me a solution besides "looks good..almost there..see in a week". 

#22: Life

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/05/world/africa/engine-trouble-reported-in-nigerian-crash.html

Although this incident seems far from home to some, it is at home for me. I live in New York and have created a life here over many years but I am from Nigeria and often wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't stayed in the US and instead returned home after college. Our country isn't perfect but we have struggled and persevered through many hard times, we are resilient people with good hearts and strong will. I appreciate the safety we have here in the US but we cannot forget how fleeting life really is; while my heart goes out to those who have perished in this disaster remember this could have happened anywhere and been anyone, but today we are spared and get to continue our lives. RIP

#23: Fire Snake

http://www.chinesezodiac.com/snake.php

A few months ago my husband sent me this link to my Chinese Zodiac and after reading I thought how poignant the description was (and him as well, the horse) so as I continue the 40 in 40 series, I searched for this again in order to start off my week with self reflection. Who I am really, what drives my personality? Its an interesting take on ones character and can be revealing even to oneself.

Personality

Occupying the 6th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Snake symbolizes such character traits as intelligence, gracefulness and materialism. When it comes to decision-making, Snakes are extremely analytical and as a result, they don’t jump into situations. They are effective at getting the things they want, even if it means they have to scheme and plot along the way.

Snakes are very materialistic creatures, preferring to surround themselves with the finest that life has to offer. This is especially evident in the home, where luxurious furnishings and surroundings help Snakes seek the peace they need in order to thrive.

Health

Snakes prefer living a life of calmness, preferring quietness over noise and a manageable workload rather than a schedule that’s overly-booked. Snakes become easily stressed when their lives aren’t peaceful or in order. Too much of this way of life can shorten a snake’s life!

Career

Snakes do work very hard, but they have a tendency to be job-hoppers as they become easily bored. Their somewhat laid-back attitude causes them to be mistakenly categorized as slackers, but nothing could be further from the truth! Snakes are very creative and extremely diligent. They’re excellent problem-solvers and thrive under tight deadlines. Good career choices for Snakes include: scientist, analyst, investigator, painter, potter, jeweler, astrologer, magician, dietician, and sociologist.

Relationships

Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others. However, they’ll be the ones to decide when a relationship has potential and when it does not. Once they’ve chosen a partner, a Snake’s insecure side will begin to show through. Snakes guards their chosen partners much like a prized possessions, becoming jealous and even obsessive. Snakes prefer to keep their feelings to themselves. It’s important to never betray a Snake’s trust as a betrayed snake will make it a goal to get even some day!

Snakes and the 5 elements 

Metal Snake – Years 1941 and 2001

Incredibly goal-oriented, Metal Snakes will stop at nothing to get that which they believe they deserve. Failure is not in their vocabularies. With their money, they’re continually acquiring more and more possessions – for themselves.

Water Snake – Years 1953 and 2013

Influential, motivated, insightful, and highly intellectual are words that best characterize Water Snakes. These Snakes work well with others and enjoy being recognized and rewarded. They’ll reveal feelings to those closest to them, but no one else.

Wood Snake – Years 1905 and 1965

Kind and genuine, these Snakes enjoy building a solid foundation of friends and family whom they love deeply and whose company they enjoy immensely. But even with all this support, Wood Snakes rarely seek the advice of others.

Fire Snake – Years 1917 and 1977

Fire Snakes are more extroverted, forever offering opinions and telling others what’s on their minds. Even so, others enjoy listening to Fire Snakes. They’re very persuasive and are especially good at convincing others that their ways are best.

Earth Snakes – Years 1929 and 1989

Earth Snakes always seem to be calm and content. They’re friendly and approachable and believe that they’ll reap great rewards by working hard and relying on common sense.

Compatibility

The Snake is compatible with a Rooster and an Ox and incompatible with a Pig and a Monkey.

#32: Blue nails

The effects of nine months of growing another human being really takes a toll on the body of any woman. I noticed the visible signs in my skin a few weeks ago and just felt like I was really tired but after three days off, I still look tired, its just whats in style this late pregnancy stage. So I decided to make an extra effort to do things I don't normally care too much about, hair, make-up and nails. So in honor of not being boring and beige, I got myself a bottle of blue nail polish for some added color in my appearance instead of yet another sheer blush color to add to my collection. And yes my fingers are swollen, my ankles are even worse but today, I appreciate bright blue nails! Hey what do want from me, I try...

#36: Dim Sum

Shot with: IPhone 3

Dim sum refers to a style of Chinese food prepared as small bite-sized or individual portions of food traditionally served in small steamer baskets or on small plates. Dim sum is also well known for the unique way it is served in some restaurants, wherein fully cooked and ready-to-serve dim sum dishes are carted around the restaurant for customers to choose their orders while seated at their tables.

Eating dim sum at a restaurant is usually known in Cantonese as going to "drink tea" (yum cha, 飲茶), as tea is typically served with dim sum.

#37: Gourmet Ice Cream

If you have sweet tooth or have temporarily developed one like I have in the last few months then you certainly can taste the difference between "regular" ice cream and "gourmet" ice cream. Like a  sommelier knows a fine wine, I have been able to refine my palette for desserts in a short time and now have a great appreciation for those made with great ingredients and today we had some really nice ice cream. I had a lovely hand-made waffle cone with two scoops of flavor called Calf Trax: Vanilla ice cream with peanut butter swirl and mini peanut butter cups. Yummy. 

The ice cream shoppe is run by the owners of a pretty large dairy farm (benefits of living in the sticks), so the dairy is top quality. Just outside the shoppe there are a few benches and its funny but never fails,  that everyone gets their choice of ice cream, then walks out and takes a seat facing and staring out at this view over the valley. Theres something about the combination that people like myself seem to really enjoy.

#38: Rain

Rain is quite a controversial phenomenon, its often unappreciated and unwelcome by most;  when its scarce, we panic, when its plentiful, we panic, we when we have to walk or drive in it, we complain, when everything's wet and we have to stay inside, we complain but sometimes when we are indoors relaxing or reading a good book holding a warm ( or cool) drink, the sound of rain can be glorious especially when we awake the next day fresh blooms. 

This year has been funny with the early Spring season, so we haven't really had many flowers recently, plus the fact that I live across the street from a 20 member family of deer who get their sustenance from the plants Austin keep buying and planting out in front of the house.

Anyway, this week it has been raining everyday and suddenly today, I see a bright pink flower coming out from a Peony plant we put in last year, I had forgotten it was there and am quite excited that its actually flowering. So today, I appreciate the steady rainfall as a sign of new life.

Week 35

The question of the week.."when are you due?"..everywhere I go people look at me like they are in pain for me...then they ask me that question. You know you're quite pregnant when people stop asking politely, "how far along are you?" and just assume you must be a walking time bomb of some sort. People are tripping over themselves to help me do things (outside of my house..that is). I wonder if I can milk this for a few more weeks, free car washes..cleaning my house or something. I feel good though, I have not gained anything this week so thats good..hopefully the little one has realized she's out of room and needs to save her growth spurts for the outside world. 

I bought myself some new clothes this week..mainly because 'Babycenter' told me to do something nice for myself and I always follow the rules..no just kidding, I just felt like I needed a pick me up in the looks department, I was starting to look like a tired pregnant lady who loses her temper too quickly. It was to nice to fit into regular sizes albeit in a funny stretched look but still. I bought a nice dress to wear for a formal occasion I have to attend on the 2nd and I bought a Medium which fits quite nicely.

Is it me or does my belly look like its growing another stomach? whats up with that? Might the baby have dropped..this early..could she be telling me she's going to come out on time or am I going to be ordering my margaritas from a hospital bed? This is my current state..a little crazy, still trying to look cute and often irritable.

#39: Smiles

#39: I appreciate the happiness that my sweet little girl continues to share with me, she lifts me up at anytime with her smile.

40 in 40

Today I officially have 40 days to go.. (you know until the baby decides to pop! I have spent the last 8 months worrying about my health and that of my little passenger, trying to balance work, being a wife, mother and planning for the arrival of our new family member. I have experienced every emotion many times, experienced every extreme in the privacy of my home or in public, doubted myself and lost my patience, and now after having one day off, and having to remind myself several times today to calm down, to realize that I now have reached the point I have been longing for, time to relax, I can't. 


I am still a bit on edge and feel like I should be rushing again but in fact, I have most things done, in reality if I were to have the baby today, all physical things are in place (except maybe the need to run to Target for a few little things). What is missing, is my mental clarity and a opportunity to truly savor the last moments of life as I know it. Just as dramatic as the first child, this too will have a huge impact on my life and I'm not sure Austin or Arielle comprehends the magnitude of this impending change. I on the other hand feel like it will be up to me to keep things in order. It will never again be just me and Arie alone (we've been able to spend a lot of time together since she was born) and I need to prepare for that. I know she will be a fantastic big sister, I can see it in how she acts right now but I really hope I can live up to the challenge, I need to, for myself, for Arielle and for this tiny baby who has no idea what she's about to encounter. 

Before this happens, I am initiating a small project that will encourage me to spend the next 40 days really trying to fully appreciate at least one thing each day. This is not to say that I don't do so already but I don't do it consciously enough, to take the time to really think about what I have, what surrounds me, what I surround myself with, why things have meaning, what defines me, affects me, what I may take for granted etc. Wow, that sounds a bit daunting already..well its supposed to be a fun way to document the little things, a refreshing look at everyday..maybe. Let's see if I get to 40...