1 Month Old

Evie weighs (at 5 weeks) a whopping 11 lb. 8 oz. and measures 22 1/2" long; obviously she's not starving even though I feel like I always am. She has developed quite a temperament that's all her own, she's like a gentle giant...it takes quite a bit to get her to the point of screaming. She's still quite a good sleeper except once every 8-10 days she decides to stay up until all hours of the night just making sounds and looking around, not crying (like last night...). She took her first immunization yesterday for HepB and her big sister was there to hold her hand and pick out a sparkly band aid for her. 

4 Weeks old

Dear Evalie,

Today you are 4 weeks old! almost an whole entire month! In that short time, you have completed our family and have healed my heart. You have brought an unexpected amount of love to us and really could not imagine being without you. I think I was right months ago when I wrote a post that I thought my mood might definitely match your personality, a mild mannered, easy going baby. You are a fantastic baby and I'm not just saying that because you are mine. I am surprised everyday by how little you cry and how easy you are to soothe, it makes being your mommy very simple and pleasant (no surprises tonight little girl!) You sleep just as well as you did the first day we brought you home so I'm not as tired as I imagined I would be. You smile and laugh sometimes and put the biggest smile on your big sisters face when you do so. She loves taking care of you and is very protective over you. The other day she read a book to you, she said she was helping you learn! 

I am happy to be your mommy for many reasons; the little sounds you make in your sleep are very cute,  the way you cringe and clench your fists with your eyes opened wide as we walk down the stairs is pretty funny, the way your lip curls when you cry is the cutest little thing as well. Most importantly, we all seem to get a kick out of your unfailing ability to reel us in with your smile and once we are all like "awww look she's smiling"..you immediately let out the biggest fart and poo sounds and remind us that you're just a baby and have no idea what we are saying!

Love you,

mommy.

Nostalgia

This weekend was spent driving through Sleepy Hollow and Tarrytown quite a bit, mainly because we visited my sister at the hospital there a few times, while doing so, it got me feeling rather nostalgic for a time past. When my family moved here from Nigeria in the late 80's, we lived in Tarrytown and even though at the time it felt so foreign to me, now looking back, its the closest thing to "home" for me in the United States. As children, my siblings and I complained of boredom constantly, it almost felt like life was happening everywhere else besides there so I was taken aback when we drove through and it looked liked a new place to me. Like any other place, it has had some turnover and improvements but somehow they have preserved the essence of the place, the old and the new sit nicely together.

Although I longed for that time, it was different, I don't miss being a kid there but now with my family, I understand why families yearn to raise their families there. I marveled at the beautiful homes within Philipse Manor, the historic architecture, it all was quite impressive. It has culture and a rich fabric that my current town is devoid of and I miss that. I miss living in a place with rich history, with a story behind it that doesn't involve shelf stable cheese. Is that wrong? We moved here initially for one reason and that was to make my commute shorter, I no longer commute further North so its a bit tough to now hold on to a place that has no purpose anymore especially after living here for almost 5 years (..which is crazy!). and still feel no connection to it. Certainly I would miss the fact that I have had two babies brought home here but its been really tough to make friends and really become part of a community here, its just not that type of place I suppose. Anyway, I've really been thinking about long term plans and feel strongly about making some moves; I was raised all over the world and was exposed to different cultures early on (which had its pros and cons) and I would like my daughters to have a similar experience in life, I can't imagine them only living in Monroe for half their lives (pre-college). I would like them to develop a love of other cultures, languages and people and feel the best way to do so is to travel and live within them or at least live in a more culturally diverse* and rich community. 

(*I dont like to use the word "diverse" because I've found in the this country it often refers solely to "black, asian and spanish..." which is not what I mean.)

3 Weeks Old

Like a dream (no...really..I can barely decipher when I'm awake or asleep anymore..), my littlest girl is 3 weeks old today and she is no less amazing than the moment she came into the world. I adore her every limb. She is healthy, eating well (drinking..really), still rather quiet and a great sleeper aside from a few nights so far. She barely cries unless I take too long to get to her up when she's hungry. She's become acclimated to our bath-time regimen so she does not cry anymore and I am also more calm bathing her so it doesn't seem like torture for either of us. She makes little sounds now that seem like she's just realized she has a voice. She seems to be developing a 'look', she does resemble her sister as a baby but with softer features I think. She has pouty lips and chubby cheeks (its actually uncanny how familiar she's looks to me..maybe because of all the ultra sounds..I' don't know). 

Right now, I am sitting in my bed with her plastered to me chest sleeping comfortably (I know I should really put her down but she's so cuddly!) I feel her heartbeat and hear her breathing alternating from a slow drawn out pace to a fast paced rhythmic throaty one. Although I have begun to feel the haze of being slightly tired, I don't want to nap, I don't want to miss any moments. My little Arie is at an arts and Crafts class for a few hours so this solo time with the littlest baby is quite precious to me. Things are quiet, calm and I feel a sense of relaxation momentarily followed by a wave of panic. 

This is my existence now, I feel myself fading from individual, architect, academic, ..to "mommy" and its full on. I do consider how to embrace this and find the balance because as expected, the challenge is more emotional for me than physical. I can deal with sleepless nights, caring for two kids etc. but the struggle to redefine oneself is always a pain in any situation not only in motherhood. Maybe the current pressure is just too much for women, that we ought to be great mothers, maintain a competitive, high paying job/position and be great partners all at once, or maybe we place that pressure on ourselves but I do feel like we live ina  time where just staying home and enjoying time is hard. I had a baby three weeks a go and am already anxious about what I am doing next. So I intend to at least take the next few weeks to relax even if it means taking a quick vacation to anywhere just for a change of scenery.