Fathers - June 1 2014

On June 1st 2002 I lost my father. It was sudden, very hard and complicated to get through but it has forced me to reckon with trying to really understand who he was as a person before being my dad and also looking at my husband and trying to imagine what his daughters will think, learn and remember of him in the future. The day to day with him as a father is certainly much different than I had experienced with with my father, our relationship was much more complex. I didn't really have a day to day with him, he was always travelling so I saw my father for short periods of time over several visits each year. He ruled from a afar, he always seemed to be the backbone of the family but not immediately present. There was also 6 years where I was away in boarding school so our relationship was even less regular. I always loved him and I knew he adored his kids but just differently and from a distance. This wasn't uncommon amongst my peers growing up, many kids fathers were away a lot but my father was perpetually away. When he was around in between flights to and from every country around the world or on Christmas holidays in Langtang, we had long, lively meals around the dinner table, outside by the pond, under the itulum tree,  where he transformed into this dramatic storyteller, this is how I began to understand the formative years in his life which were quite poignant  and what I now realize have become moments where I saw my father as a human being. He was very funny and charismatic in a way that left his audience feeling like they had been momentarily part of something he had experienced. Through these stories he taught us kids lessons on how to be strong, persevere with unwavering determination, be proud of our background, to believe in ourselves and our ability to be come anything we aspired to be. He challenged us, he was as strict as a military commander, would not put with any nonsense but could dance with us playfully as we took turns holding his hands. I remember after he passed, I found some old tapes of us at home and on one of them was a big Christmas celebration I remember in the village when we were younger with hundreds of local people gathered and the Angas dancers were there performing, he was in the midst of the crowd dancing and looked out at whoever was recording to warn them to make sure they got this on tape because "I am recording this for my kids" he said as he proudly danced amongst the traditional dancers. Those are the things that remained with me, not when I saw him on TV or in the paper but when he was relaxed and genuinely content just being home.

 

As a father, my husband has it quite different, we both work everyday and have some help but when we're home she leaves so we try to manage the hours we have with the kids pretty strictly, we are usually on a pretty tight schedule especially now with two kids and one in kindergarten. Between bathtime, dinner, cleaning up dinner, homework, reading books and getting ready for bed, we barely get that fluff time, the magical time where one puts everything down to simply appreciate the present. We are efficient through our planning but I sometimes wish we had more time to relax unscheduled. This lifestyle is taking a toll on him (and me), the lack of personal time is hard. For a split second when he gets home and the kids are so excited to see him, it is magical but we quickly return to the rigor our life.

He does help with the kids when he's home but he also gets overwhelmed by them, he's funny and in the evening we have family time to laugh and play. He is quite stern with Arielle about doing her schoolwork, he gets frustrated by her nonchalant attitudes sometimes towards learning to read and trying to get her to commit to either piano or ballet.

I wonder if the absence of my dad made the moments he was present more magnified in my mind and if then, the regular presence of the their dad leaves him open to be taken for granted or vice versa, him not realizing  the fleeting nature of life. Not to suggest that every moment in life should be a teaching moment, but I do think we need to carve out the time to create even force ourselves to impart something long-lasting on our kids and make an effort to reinforce it so that it remains with them for life. Those are the moments they will take with them amidst all the chaos and noise..there will be something...the magical.