Two Years Old

My dear Evalie,

Happy 2^nd Birthday my love. As I even begin to write this I am tearing up with an intensity of love I never imagined I could feel for another person. I have had the great pleasure of watching you and your personality develop unfettered over the last year(since your first birthday). It has been quite an adventure, as opposed to the first year year where you physically transformed from a squirmy newborn to a more stable walker by One, the last year has been a whirlwind of so many milestones and you have not only achieved them but you have surpassed all of them and done it with such humor! 

You have become an even brighter light in our lives than you had been last year. You are funny and honest, sharp and thoughtful, you love and play with all your heart, you are sweet as they come and have yet to encounter any hurdles you won’t dare to traverse. You love to sing and you often do, everything from nursery rhymes to tunes you hear on the radio and somehow are able to retain the words or some version of them. You are bursting with enthusiasm for life and have had no problems learning the lessons you need in your second year of life, the alphabet, counting to 20, primary colors and good manners. You often respond to my requests with a snarky “of course” and are always able to get a laugh out of us when you pretend to answer the phone in your funny accent “halllow?”  

I never tire of hearing your high pitched little voice asking me all sorts of questions with such cadence, one can’t help but smile. You are truly unique, I regularly ask myself why I was so nervous to have another baby girl. On the contrary, you make me wish to have another one just like you but I know it’s not possible because you are like no other and that is what I am most proud of, you will always be something special to me and, I am confident you will to the world in the future.

From the moment I met you at 3:49 am on July 11^th 2012, I knew I could not imagine my life without you but now 2 years later, you have compounded those feelings in my heart. You are such a lovely and funny little girl, you leave me wondering everyday where this comes from. Your ability to love and take care of your sister and daddy is also so uncanny for a person your size and age. Over the last year, you have marveled everyone you meet with your outgoing, witty boisterous personality, I’m regularly asked how old you are because of your vocabulary, your ability to process concepts and your profound ability to express yourself. Some of the funniest moments remain in my mind but some we have caught on video and shared with many others who also take part in the pleasure of watching you grow. You are still walking on your tippy toes at all times (even on the balance beam during your gymnastics class!) You love to play outside and are very daring and brave, conquering the highest windy slides and running up and down as fast as you can. I love your sweet smile and how squinty your eyes become, I love how you make yourself laugh, I love your chubby little feet, I love your spunky nature, I love the little dance you do (when you bend over, pull your elbows into your belly and wiggle), I love how friendly your are, I love your big belly, I love that you still need to cuddle up to me at night to fall asleep. I love you little girl. Happy Birthday.
Love mum.

So I knew Evie’s birthday was on a Friday and she had been talking about it for days already so I felt bad that I wouldn’t be there with her like I was last year. But I decided that if we could at least come home from work a bit early and have her two favorite people (her cousins) come over and have a little cake then she’d at least feel like we did something. We had all planned to go to Sesame place for her birthday the following week but I still wanted to do something without doing a big party and getting completely frustrated like last year. So I planned to get pizza, make the cake myself and have a fun evening. I then decided to ask my sister and my nephew if they could come over even though it was kind of late on a Sunday and she accepted, I then felt bad because my uncle and his kids were visiting and I had to invite them as well. This little get together turned into a party of sorts.

From the moment I got home from work, she was wearing the felt crown I made her and saying “happy birthday mommy”, “happy birthday to my little daddy”..it was so funny! I could tell she had a good day, her nanny had taken them to the park and they had time to play in the sandbox as well.

I ordered some finger food for dinner and I made chocolate devils and a three tier birthday cake (which tasted better than it looked). I served cookies, donuts and watermelon slices. I made little favors of shortbread..because Evie loves shortbread cookies and that was it. I did get her the giant balloon I got last year because she had so much fun with it last time.  

The party turned out much better than I expected, we even opened quite a few gifts and you got to blow out your two candle twice (because your sister and cousin blew them out the first time), by the end of the evening, you were exhausted and went to sleep even before everyone had gone home. 

I am still reeling from Friday, I can't beleive my baby girl tuned two years old! Its amazing how fast year two has gone.

Parenthood. Motherhood. - written soon after Evie was born

When I first had my daughter, I was unsure of what to expect, I was nervous about everything from baby care to weightloss. I thought once I got through the hard part, the birthing process, then I'd be fine, I'd snap back into things and everything would be great. I had a great job, with a flexible schedule, I had gotten myself into good shape, I was healthy, I was on the waiting list for daycare, I had even timed my pregnancy down to the semester schedule so I had the entire fall semester off and would return in the Spring for 16 weeks and have the summer off affording me the opportunity to spend most of the baby's first year with her. Personally, I had always struggled with my looks so once I got over the amount of weigh I would gain while pregnant, I even enjoyed being pregnant.
Arielle was 7 days late and at 11:56am on October 3rd, she was born and my life would never be the same again. Although my older sister had two children, my close cousin had 2 sons also and my mom was close by, I still felt like I had no clear idea of what it would really be like to have a baby and I was right. It has taken me many years (and having a second child) to really reflect on how it affected me but I did, seriously. Obviously, the immediate postpartum adjustment period which is not actually longer than 6 weeks for most women, was messy in many ways. My body was still very much trying to reconcile the loss of something it had nurtured within for the last 9 months while my mind was also engrossed with that loss,  I was feeling a kind of love I had never felt before. I was trying to adjust to nursing which seems simple but its not. I was tired all the time and I was overwhelmed by emotion all the time.
All of a sudden I felt everything become overshadowed with a grayness that wouldn't go away. My husband had taken a month off to be with us and it was great to have a companion but once he returned to work, I both welcomed the time alone but began to feel resentful as well. I was caught in the conflict of motherhood that only multiplies as the years go by. I knew I was doing the right thing to be home with my daughter but wanted so badly to feel that pride of being in the workplace. I didn't want to leave my baby with a stranger so early but I wanted to be able to go to work and stimulate my brain. When I decided I would return to the gym, which had always been my way of maintaining emotion stability, I got excited but unfortunately, Arielle would cry the minute we got there, she was only used to being with me. I was trapped or at least I felt trapped. I could not go anywhere without my baby and I didn't want to but I knew I needed to to get myself feeling better.

going back to work..

Now with my second daughter at 4 months old, I feel like I have all the same issues all over again but I am better equipped to deal with them. I am more confident that I will come out of this just fine even with happy little girls who love the mommy and daddy. I even may try this again!

Rediscovering THE CITY.

Being a foreigner and a citizen of the United States at the same time has always caused a rift of sorts for me in the way I relate to the city. If you came to Jos, the city I grew up in, there would be no doubt that I'd feel like I knew the authentic citizen, I was from there..but that changed when I visited last year with my family and was forced to experience my home as if I was a visitor for whatever reason. I had been gone for a long time, my family had changed, extended relatives were occupying the homes, we had to be on high security at all times because of the hostile situation that was developing..etc.

Anyway, in New York, like most other city's there aren't many qualification that allow you to claim to be authentic to that place. In New York, I believe you have to be born and raised in the city to be called a native New Yorker so I'm no where close to that but at the same time, people visiting me think I am because I live close enough. The truth is, "the city" is a place to be reckoned with, its a great place but it is tough, in many ways, its built to be a transient place, it isn't very forgiving to many, it inherently defines the kinds of people who can call it home.  It's made up of a lot of cultures, architectures, social classes and styles which makes it very exciting and allows one to continually be surprised as you turn the corner. Its a city which is alive, its continually changing and regenerating itself.

I'm totally an expat who has grazed the city, either commuting in for work, living close to but not actually in THE city or living in a suburb of the city as we do now. So its always fun to have visitors from the motherland (which is quite often in the summer) who are eager for the city experience. This weekend, we did the Financial District, Chinatown and the WTC sites all walking, on a wonderful early summer day with perfect temperatures and bright sun. 

We drove in and met my brother who actually lives on Wall Steet in a nice building, with a decent number of young professionals with no kids so it was a bit overwhelming when we turned up in their lounge with 8 eight kids ranging from ages almost 2 to 11 who all somehow are equally destructive and loud! Luckily we didn't get thrown out but my brother did usher us out after a quick tour of the amenities. He then took us on a nice shortcut walk from Wall street, past city hall (his commute every morning!) and the Brooklyn bridge, through a park and then to Chinatown for lunch. There was a fair going on which was pretty cool, but it seems theres always something going on in the city.  The funny thing about this trip, was my 11 year old niece carried my 5 year old the whole way there and back. Arie barely let her feet touch the ground and we were walking for hours!.I don't know what more surprising, how much of a pre-madonna Arielle is or how fit my niece is...she didn't break a sweat or put her down once.
My husband can't walk the supermarket carrying my 2 years old for more than 10 minutes! I was truly amazed..she's got to be some sort of famous athlete in the future because she's just naturally so strong and fit...I digress.

        

Also, along the way, there were some selfies taken and since my husband takes a lot of pride in his "Brookly-ness" he took a few shots of the icon Brooklyn Bridge and a sign he thinks was named for him I guess.

 The funny think about carrying a big camera around in the city is that you end up looking like a tourist and people react not to nicely to being photographed ( like the girls in the picture above..they probably assumed Austin was taking a picture of them not me..of course not..why would he take a picture of me?) Girls are funny..

We walked through one of the few open spaces in Chinatown and briefly watched a basket ball tournament and let the kids play but I realized immediately how your environment shapes you so distinctly, while my kids were fine playing in the overly populated playground, we, the parents were uncomfortable and watching them so closely. My sister was really not feeling the park at all while I looked around and all the "city" parents were just sitting at benches around the park chatting or on their phones not concerned at all. This was normal. It was concrete with a water feature in the middle and metal slides..so kids were wet and barefoot in the middle of this urban park sliding down metal slides..it felt unsafe but to them it was normal. Thats something I wonder about with my kids, how am I really shaping them by keeping in this somewhat sheltered bubble of safety where everything is clean, soft, organized and perfect. No grunge, no creativity?

What are the pros and cons of these exposures, I grew up really as a traveler, never really lived in on spot long enough to be be sole and permanently shaped by a single environment, rather I had to adapt to frequent change while not becoming frustrated  and /or attached. I do believe thats why I have ended up only valuing a couple of friends from my past, and a keen ability to shut people out when things get to complicated or too close. Its a trait that I value and struggle with at the same time, never get to committed or invested because then you compromise the flexibility to change. After a very interesting lunch ( and by interesting, I mean unorthodox, authentic) in Chinatown, we headed back out for some cheap wares and to the WTC. The site was unexpectedly open not overcrowded, and there it was, the two reflecting pools, the new path station, the tower the museum, all these buildings I have personal history with and it was nice to see them come to fruition. We discussed where we were when we heard, some were there in the city, some of us watched remotely from various locations. I'll do another post about the WTC site next. 

We walked back past the New York Stock Exchange and ended up back with large Starbucks drinks and some lounging back at my brothers place for a bit and then headed back to the safety...or whatever...of the suburbs.