Parenthood. Motherhood. - written soon after Evie was born

When I first had my daughter, I was unsure of what to expect, I was nervous about everything from baby care to weightloss. I thought once I got through the hard part, the birthing process, then I'd be fine, I'd snap back into things and everything would be great. I had a great job, with a flexible schedule, I had gotten myself into good shape, I was healthy, I was on the waiting list for daycare, I had even timed my pregnancy down to the semester schedule so I had the entire fall semester off and would return in the Spring for 16 weeks and have the summer off affording me the opportunity to spend most of the baby's first year with her. Personally, I had always struggled with my looks so once I got over the amount of weigh I would gain while pregnant, I even enjoyed being pregnant.
Arielle was 7 days late and at 11:56am on October 3rd, she was born and my life would never be the same again. Although my older sister had two children, my close cousin had 2 sons also and my mom was close by, I still felt like I had no clear idea of what it would really be like to have a baby and I was right. It has taken me many years (and having a second child) to really reflect on how it affected me but I did, seriously. Obviously, the immediate postpartum adjustment period which is not actually longer than 6 weeks for most women, was messy in many ways. My body was still very much trying to reconcile the loss of something it had nurtured within for the last 9 months while my mind was also engrossed with that loss,  I was feeling a kind of love I had never felt before. I was trying to adjust to nursing which seems simple but its not. I was tired all the time and I was overwhelmed by emotion all the time.
All of a sudden I felt everything become overshadowed with a grayness that wouldn't go away. My husband had taken a month off to be with us and it was great to have a companion but once he returned to work, I both welcomed the time alone but began to feel resentful as well. I was caught in the conflict of motherhood that only multiplies as the years go by. I knew I was doing the right thing to be home with my daughter but wanted so badly to feel that pride of being in the workplace. I didn't want to leave my baby with a stranger so early but I wanted to be able to go to work and stimulate my brain. When I decided I would return to the gym, which had always been my way of maintaining emotion stability, I got excited but unfortunately, Arielle would cry the minute we got there, she was only used to being with me. I was trapped or at least I felt trapped. I could not go anywhere without my baby and I didn't want to but I knew I needed to to get myself feeling better.

going back to work..

Now with my second daughter at 4 months old, I feel like I have all the same issues all over again but I am better equipped to deal with them. I am more confident that I will come out of this just fine even with happy little girls who love the mommy and daddy. I even may try this again!