Week 28.

I have a human being in my body! I know..obviously I do, I've known this for a fact since November last year when I saw and heard the heart beat of what looked a tiny gummybear but it still takes some getting used to especially since I didn't really appear to be expecting until late in January (Week 19) and didn't really feel the constant baby movements until early March (Week 23). Its now April and I am in my third trimester, the realization that in a few weeks (10-12) I could have a little baby has set in, I have seen her many times by ultrasound and even in 4D, she never lets me forget that she's in there, she's constantly moving and readjusting in there. I guess if the first few weeks are filled with excitement and fear at once, the middle belt feels more like a scenic ride dotted with some new discoveries, bumps moments of anticipation and fear, then the last trimester, seems to me like crossing the bridge before taking the exit to your destination but as you look out into the landscape its such a tranquil view, it make you want to pull over and just gaze. Taking in the beauty, being thankful for the life you have, dreaming about what this new landscape will look like and wishing for the confidence ( and patience) needed to appreciate it. I think everyday as I drive/ride the train to work about these things; I don't question my ability to love another little girl because I already do love her so much even though I have never met her, I feel like i know her so well but at the same time I have no idea who she is. I know my sweet girl very well, we've been fortunate to have spent a lot of time together over the last 3.5 years, although she does surprise me everyday, her personality has been very well known to us since my former nanny offered me a book to read on how to raise a strong willed child when she was only 3 months old!.

A. My baby girl at 23 weeks 3 days

The view from the bridge right now is peaceful enough, in that moment the noise from the surrounding isnt distracting, it provides a welcomed playlist to the rhythmic movements that only I can truly experience, in conversation with my little girl, I say I love you and hang in there a few more weeks, she responds with a graceful tap which lets me know she's okay.

The Art of Delivering Babies

Anyone who is in this club i.e. the 'Birth Club' (have given birth, been in the room for a birth, actually executed the birth..etc) knows already how touchy the issues surrounding this process are but even so, the actual act of delivering the baby is only a small part of it. In the months prior- starting at about 8 weeks, most women begin to see an obstetrician once a month, the events of these appointments vary depending on the mom and the pregnancy but usually consists of the a weighing in, testing of all kinds of fluids.. etc. but mainly, I feel like these visits also give the woman an opportunity to get comfortable with the doctor who you essentially will be putting in charge of not only your life but the life of a baby you've been carrying around for 40 weeks or so as well. Some women prepare for this their entire lives and KNOW who they want this person to be before even finding that their expecting but for people like me, having moved so many times in my life, I don't have any deep rooted relationship with doctors or anyone really...Anyway, I have lived here since 2007 and have rarely needed to see a doctor (I'm not one to go if I don't need to..I'm terrified of needles..and dentists most especially).

A. "Knock up"

For the birth of my first daughter I went to a practice in which one of its doctors had delivered my younger sister and both my nieces, I felt that since I hadn't had much experience with anyone else, it would be best and it was except that in practices they discourage you from seeking a single point person and make you see all the doctors in the practice a few times so any one of them is familiar enough to deal with your case as it arises..babies arrive on their schedule which does not always match that of the doctors. 

Side bar- Have you ever seen "Knocked Up"? One of my favorite scenes from the movie "Knocked Up" is when Katherine Heigl goes into labor and finds out the doctor who assured her he never took vacations was in fact on vacation and so she ends up with Ken Jeong as her doctor...(had to be there

Anyway, it all worked out in the end but the problem was, I lived one hour away so the weekly and daily appointments became quite involved towards the end. I also wasn't to fond of the other doctors and when delivery day arrived I ended up being checked on by the male doctor who I really had barely spoken to in nine months but at the last minute my they switched shifts and the doctor I wanted arrived to deliver my baby. Also the hospital they were affiliated with had only a few private recovery rooms on a 'first come first serve' basis so even though I was there early, there were 4 C-sections done before my baby actually was delivered and I ended up with a shared room so my husband had to leave me, tired and terrified with a baby only a few hours old.

Now, almost 4 years later, I have been a bit more proactive and have researched hospitals and doctors within 25 miles radius. After weighing the pros and cons, I visited one hospital and decided to go with a medical practice affiliated with the hospital whose office is 3 minutes away form my house. I initially wanted to deliver at the new, larger hospital with has 19 private rooms and encourage dads to room in but they have over 30 OB affilates all under a single umbrella and confirmed that I would have to see whoever was available on any given day which had the potential become even more impersonal. No way!

The practice I selected has 4 doctors-3 female and one male, over the last few months I have seen each one at least once and really only felt genuine care from only one of them, she actually spent more than 3 minutes talking to me at my appointment, she looked at me directly and gave some thought to my questions rather than generalizing or postponing until a later date. she also referred me to a specialist to monitor a potential complication found through the detailed ultrasound and he is great but unfortunately he doesn't deliver. Similar to the previous office there is no way around seeing any and all of them and I have no idea who will spend what could be hours of unexpected events when I go into labor..so I am a bit terrified.

So now I am caught between a conveniently located practice whose care is a bit lacking (9 out of ten time if you call their office you get an answering machine, which is crazy in my opinion) and switching back to my previous OB located an hour away. Its really about more than the distance or the accommodations but the fact that the fetal specialist has expressed concern and mentioned the possibility of a C-section to me while the doctors at the practice have had to shuffle through my files in front of me both times times I've asked about this issue before attempting to answer me, often with a very general, non informative answer. I don't want a C-section at all and I feel like they have thrown that word out there too many times already that its making me feel like its just something they do rather try hard to avoid.

It seems to me that all this is really unacceptable and makes me uncomfortable because its impersonal..I'm reduced to just a folder with papers attached to it...I'm not trying to make a commentary on the entire medical practice but I do think the extra effort it takes to make an expectant mother feel comfortable when they are in one the most vulnerable positions ever (literally and figuratively) is well worth it and becoming harder and harder to find these days.

Anyway, I suppose the best approach to this is to educate and prepare myself as best as I can and in the end I can only hope that whichever doctor I get is at least focused and engaged for the time we're in labor/delivery and then its all my responsibility afterwards.  

Week 27.

A. The baby nursery

I just received my weekly email from the fine people at 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' and although I do keep track of how far along I am, it became very real when I saw it in writing..I am 13 weeks 6 days away from becoming a mommy of two.. little girls. We're all really excited but for some reason, I am a little less organized than I was for my first..ok who are we kidding, I have nothing done!

By this time in my first pregnancy, I had painted the nursery at least three different colors, bought enough clothing to last the entire year (from newborn sizes to her first birthday party outfit), the nursery was fully furnished with the Casa Kids Ola! crib, dresser, armoire, a Luca glider by Monte designs, a Binth alphabet poster and more. We had already had a baby shower and received everything we needed from our family and friends and I had made the decision to use an epidural for pain (which I assumed meant I didn't need a class to learn about childbirth!)

 This time, I have basically done nothing, everyone assumes that since "I already have a girl so I have everything I need" and maybe I do but I don't know for sure. Its been 3.5 years and I have no idea what I have in my basement. I definitely have a bassinet which we will use for the first few months and I bought a few things from the Gap last week but thats it. In a way I am happy to not be so caught up in the material necessities and want to really focus on enjoying being pregnant (I know..this may change in a few weeks as she grows heavier), spending time with my little girl and learning how to properly prepare for a natural childbirth..maybe actually take a class this time.

Week 25

I feel better, the sun is out and my daughter is tired of staying home so we ventured out! Today looks like its warmer than it actually is but we needed to get air or we all would go stir crazy. Although we've had a mainly snow-less winter, except for the strange October storm and the snow in January, its gotten pretty cold and I have been really tired and busy with school. But now that my energy is on the up swing, we got out the red ball and we're in the park.

Week 20

SO.. if the baby is only the size of this mango then why do I feel so bloated? oh also this baby is a girl..yep you heard it folks, its another girl! I was sure it was a boy but to my surprise..the three lines showed up and there it was clear as day..GIRL! When we found out on Thursday, I was in shock, not because I wanted or did not want a daughter but because I think its just hard to "know". Its a bit like popping a balloon suddenly rather than letting the air out slowly, the pop feels so final and deflating. 

Anyway, I won't lie, I cried but I wasn't sure why I was crying and of course the husband stepped out immediately to call his father and text his sister (which annoyed the shit out of me..only because we hadn't really completed the moment before he hastily left me on the table with the ultrasound tech!) I know myself, it will take me a few days (maybe weeks) to adjust to the idea of another little girl but I will see the light and understand the meaning and be excited. I've found that I don't like surprises or attention and thats enough to make an almost 20 week pregnant lady cry.

On another note, the seasons are all mixed up..we had winter in October and now Spring fever in February! My allergies have me so congested that I feel like I am in a bubble sometimes, of course I can't and won't try to take anything but I hope it gets better soon.