Melancholy

This Saturday started out a bit strange and continued to be quite challenging for me; it was a glorious day but I was exhausted with a capital E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D! I woke up at about 8am and stayed up for most of the morning, made breakfast for everyone while husband and baby were outside planting for hours. The time alone is usually appreciated but I was not handling it well, I was feeling really 'alone'. Feeling a bit unlike myself, heavy, blurred and just not normal. This was very disappointing because I had planned to either go to the The Great Googa Mooga Festival in Brooklyn's Prospect park or just check out the Thomas Bull Memorial park (some lady told me about on friday) and spend the day out enjoying the weather; neither happened.

Without detailing the actual events of the morning that set off my permanent cloud over my head, I will say that this is something I am used to and can usually get out of rather quickly on my own so as not to waste any valuable time I could spend with Arielle having fun. This time I could not shake it, I was mentally weighted, feeling doubt about decisions I cannot go back and change, feeling like I needed to convince myself that the rest of the year will turn out to be as wonderful as I have imagined it would be.

I eventually took a nap ( which I never do no matter how tired I am), I slept from noon until I peeked out and saw that it was 1:35 and I didn't even want to get up and thats what bothered me, I don't like feeling and haven't felt like that in a while..you know the feeling of just not wanting to face the day! As the day went on I tried to loosen up, I needed to feed and take care of my daughter, we hadn't even had any lunch and there I was sleeping the day away.

I'll just say that even though it took a few hours the day got slightly better with food, fresh air and summer (like) sunlight. Arielle always gets me to smile. Since my last day of class is tomorrow, I'll have a few grading issues to tie up but then I am free  to focus on having a baby. Judging from yesterday, this could be really good or really bad, I get the feeling the next few weeks will be mentally tough rather than physically, I will continue to hit the gym until June 14th which is when my 'medical' suspension (..gym speak for we won't continue to charge you for something you  haven't used in several months) begins and Arielle has until May 31st in daycare/preschool and then we're taking her out for the summer. I plan to take advantage of the next two weeks, so I'll take her in even though I'll be home just so I get sometime to myself, she gets time to play with her friends and then in June we're going to take swim lessons together at the new YMCA until I can no longer move...if this kid is anything like my sweet girl, she'll be here one week late (July 8th)..and thus making for a really lame July 4th. Yay!..NOT..!

Week 34

I am swollen, thirsty and tired..no..I'm exhausted. I could probably sleep until July and still be tired! Luckily I had most of this week off, I only had to work on Monday, then attend my sisters graduation  at Columbia University on Wednesday (which in my state is considered work because it required my getting dressed and taking the 7:57 train with a 3 1/2 year old..). and Friday. That was enough to completely put me out. The baby has been moving a lot which is still very cool to feel, the movements are much more deliberate and even visible to the naked eye..Arielle is really intrigued by the movement but I'm still not sure she realizes that there is a human being in there.

On Wednesday morning, Arie and I made our way to the train station to get the 7:57 into Penn station. We had a few hiccups..mainly because I can't run, the trains arrived and I had a stroller, diaper bag and Arielle ( who's afraid of trains!) to carry on. Once we settled in, I pulled out a magazine and she played on my phone. About 20 minutes into the ride, I felt really strange, I could not breath, I felt faint and a bit cloudy, I started gasping for air while trying not to make a scene..some passengers noticed and inquired if I was in labor, I had never felt anything like this before, I was getting hotter and feeling like I was going to faint. I called Austin to let him know partially because I wanted a distraction to see if I could get it to stop and also to make sure he knew just in case something happened to me and Arielle was alone (or with Transit police..his number would be my last call and she knows her daddy s name!) Talking to him did not help and it continued..luckily one of the passengers who was sitting close by is a mom of one of the kids at Arielle's school so I felt a bit better that she would help me or Arielle if something were to happen. Anyway, after about 10 minutes, I caught my breath and felt a bit more stable but was left with a pain in my chest and headache. When we finally got off the train I almost turned around to return home instead of trying to transport all our stuff all the way to through the station to the 1 train uptown! I did it anyway with a lot of help from strangers (who says New Yorkers aren't nice..they were amazing!). We made it uptown, into the graduation space and even found my mom and sister in the crowds! The ceremony turned out to be quite nice and we even made it lunch.

On Friday, I had another quick doctors appointment and found out basically nothing but I'm now assuming if they don't say anything, then thats good. One encouraging thing was that I met a doctor who I have only seen once, very early on and she seemed really nice and personable that day which means I'm feeling a bit better about who will be on call when labor beings. I heard the baby's heartbeat, I've gained a total of 22lbs and will be back there in two weeks for the GBS test. Yay! 6 weeks to go..may be less?

Baby Birth Announcements

Classic Birth Announcement

I don't know this baby nor do I know the owner of this company BUT I really enjoy the little cards they make and have decided to order some birth announcements from them. The place is called Pinhole Press and I found it through another blog I keep up with ( I think they may be friends). Anyway, for Arielle, I dropped the ball on the birth announcements and actually got some folks angry because they found out I had the baby through the grapevine instead of from me and felt really hurt that they weren't told, called or something! So this time, I will try not to be a lazy bum and actually be proactive; one of the things I will do in my free time between now and the first contraction will be to print out labels so that as soon as the little one makes her debut, I can snap a shot, upload it and get my cards made. Sound ambitious..yes maybe but I did say 'Try'.

I guess people like to do things online these days through some form of social media but I actually really love paper, card stock and such. Theres something really nice about actually getting your mail and having something meaningful in the pile of junk (and checks of course), I search for it like a squirrel looking for nuts in a pile of leaves. So as much as people continue to send Evites for parties, post birth announcements on Facebook etc..I will continue to favor the tactile. My impending birth is making me both excited and nervous at once, I really look forward to the change but am right now feeling like I need a break with the two people who keep me going before that number become three. I just realized a few days ago that I only have 3 free weekends of the 7 remaining before my due date and one of them is actually memorial day weekend! I am now frantically looking for a quick getaway for the three of us for the 4-day weekend but everything is booked..I am sure theres got to be some piece of land covered in sand, adjacent to water that hasn't been commercialized and sold off to the highest bidder. I literally want some relaxation without any crowds (because really I shouldn't be allowed to be seen in public let alone in a bathing suit right now) and just some quiet with the smell of ocean. Is that too much to ask?

Mother's Day

I had thought 3 years ago (after being a mom for 6 months) that becoming a mother had changed me tremendously but what I have realized is that it continues to change me over time, everyday in every way. at every moment, that relationship is redefined, its never constant and the feelings I experience are always changing, they shift from one extreme to another and everything in between but they are all amazing. I am happiest when I can sit with my baby cuddled next to me and just be quiet, its the only pure moment left in my day. Everything else seems crowded, intense for no reason, contentious, nervous, rushed, uncomfortable but in that moment when all I have to do is wrap my arms around a little body and not even speak but still convey how much love I feel for her, its pure. I think I was made to be a mother and she was perfectly sculpted to be my daughter, we have similar personalities but she has a sweetness that has really softened me and revitalized the romantic dreamer in me which I thought I may have lost. (Arielle, you will never really know the kind of effect you have had on me, I love you.)

I woke up feeling a bit run down (allergies, headache, tired..) and extremely hungry so I went hobbled downstairs and got myself some tea and a yogurt while I waited quietly for my little one (the monkey..) and husband (the bear..) to wake up. Amid the snores, snorts and rolls, I had some quiet time to myself and thought about the fact that I was about to become a mother again. I have just over 6 weeks, which could be just over 4 weeks or more ( if she decided she's had it with my confines), she'll be full term in 3 weeks. From my position in bed I glance up and have a direct view into the baby's room and her crib; we had put a bookcase in the room and finished up some little projects in there on Saturday evening after back to back birthday parties so the nursery looks 'done' and ready to receive a baby. Its kind of amazing how it came together, I really stuck to the the initial sketch I had made months ago.

Anyway, Mothers day took off when they woke up and stepped out to get breakfast stuff, when they returned I was extremely hungry and a bit grumpy but things went  pretty smoothly; in our house I usually cook but this morning my husband made breakfast and cleaned up afterwards! They also brought me beautiful orchids, cards and a little potpourri container which Arielle made at school and had hidden behind the curtain for two days all by herself. It was really nice that she actually 'gets' what mothers day is. She said to me at one point "Are you having a good mothers day mama? because..you are a mother (mudda)!", in her best 'matter of fact' tone. 

I still felt a bit sleepy and had told them that all I wanted was a nap, so they both left me to sleep when I fell asleep and I got a good 2 hour nap in, I woke up feeling much better (to Arielle and her little friend tip- toeing through my room getting toys out!). We then went to a late lunch, home depot (to get hardware to hang my new mirror-gift as well) and Home goods just to look around for any little additions for he baby room (Austin said it lacked color!). I found two nice rugs that I had wanted for very affordable prices, a large rattan rug for the kitchen and a yellow chevron for the nursery. Shopping and goods deals always put me in a great mood!

He had also planned an extravagant dinner but we were so full from lunch that we instead got a strawberry shortcake on the way home to have for desert instead. It was a nice day and everyone was sleeping by 9:30.