Melancholy

This Saturday started out a bit strange and continued to be quite challenging for me; it was a glorious day but I was exhausted with a capital E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D! I woke up at about 8am and stayed up for most of the morning, made breakfast for everyone while husband and baby were outside planting for hours. The time alone is usually appreciated but I was not handling it well, I was feeling really 'alone'. Feeling a bit unlike myself, heavy, blurred and just not normal. This was very disappointing because I had planned to either go to the The Great Googa Mooga Festival in Brooklyn's Prospect park or just check out the Thomas Bull Memorial park (some lady told me about on friday) and spend the day out enjoying the weather; neither happened.

Without detailing the actual events of the morning that set off my permanent cloud over my head, I will say that this is something I am used to and can usually get out of rather quickly on my own so as not to waste any valuable time I could spend with Arielle having fun. This time I could not shake it, I was mentally weighted, feeling doubt about decisions I cannot go back and change, feeling like I needed to convince myself that the rest of the year will turn out to be as wonderful as I have imagined it would be.

I eventually took a nap ( which I never do no matter how tired I am), I slept from noon until I peeked out and saw that it was 1:35 and I didn't even want to get up and thats what bothered me, I don't like feeling and haven't felt like that in a while..you know the feeling of just not wanting to face the day! As the day went on I tried to loosen up, I needed to feed and take care of my daughter, we hadn't even had any lunch and there I was sleeping the day away.

I'll just say that even though it took a few hours the day got slightly better with food, fresh air and summer (like) sunlight. Arielle always gets me to smile. Since my last day of class is tomorrow, I'll have a few grading issues to tie up but then I am free  to focus on having a baby. Judging from yesterday, this could be really good or really bad, I get the feeling the next few weeks will be mentally tough rather than physically, I will continue to hit the gym until June 14th which is when my 'medical' suspension (..gym speak for we won't continue to charge you for something you  haven't used in several months) begins and Arielle has until May 31st in daycare/preschool and then we're taking her out for the summer. I plan to take advantage of the next two weeks, so I'll take her in even though I'll be home just so I get sometime to myself, she gets time to play with her friends and then in June we're going to take swim lessons together at the new YMCA until I can no longer move...if this kid is anything like my sweet girl, she'll be here one week late (July 8th)..and thus making for a really lame July 4th. Yay!..NOT..!