3 Weeks Old

Like a dream (no...really..I can barely decipher when I'm awake or asleep anymore..), my littlest girl is 3 weeks old today and she is no less amazing than the moment she came into the world. I adore her every limb. She is healthy, eating well (drinking..really), still rather quiet and a great sleeper aside from a few nights so far. She barely cries unless I take too long to get to her up when she's hungry. She's become acclimated to our bath-time regimen so she does not cry anymore and I am also more calm bathing her so it doesn't seem like torture for either of us. She makes little sounds now that seem like she's just realized she has a voice. She seems to be developing a 'look', she does resemble her sister as a baby but with softer features I think. She has pouty lips and chubby cheeks (its actually uncanny how familiar she's looks to me..maybe because of all the ultra sounds..I' don't know). 

Right now, I am sitting in my bed with her plastered to me chest sleeping comfortably (I know I should really put her down but she's so cuddly!) I feel her heartbeat and hear her breathing alternating from a slow drawn out pace to a fast paced rhythmic throaty one. Although I have begun to feel the haze of being slightly tired, I don't want to nap, I don't want to miss any moments. My little Arie is at an arts and Crafts class for a few hours so this solo time with the littlest baby is quite precious to me. Things are quiet, calm and I feel a sense of relaxation momentarily followed by a wave of panic. 

This is my existence now, I feel myself fading from individual, architect, academic, ..to "mommy" and its full on. I do consider how to embrace this and find the balance because as expected, the challenge is more emotional for me than physical. I can deal with sleepless nights, caring for two kids etc. but the struggle to redefine oneself is always a pain in any situation not only in motherhood. Maybe the current pressure is just too much for women, that we ought to be great mothers, maintain a competitive, high paying job/position and be great partners all at once, or maybe we place that pressure on ourselves but I do feel like we live ina  time where just staying home and enjoying time is hard. I had a baby three weeks a go and am already anxious about what I am doing next. So I intend to at least take the next few weeks to relax even if it means taking a quick vacation to anywhere just for a change of scenery.