The last three years have resulted in some quite fascinating changes for me; certainly it didn't seem so at the time but any opportunity I get to look back over the last three years and envision where I was (physically, emotionally, professionally etc.) and where I am now in almost every aspect of my life-what I thought my life was or should have been, I marvel at the many differences. Some of these changes have been carefully planned and highly anticipated, like the decision to become a mother and some have been somewhat uncontrollable and unanticipated, like giving birth to a baby girl. I had always imagined being a mother to boys so I never ever mentally prepared for a daughter, in fact it never occurred to me to think about what it might entail. Don't get me wrong, having a child whether a boy or girl and at any age, can have a profound effect on any woman's life but for me personally, facing the prospect of mothering a little girl presented a different kind of challenge. The reasons for this are still somewhat elusive in my mind even after 3.5 years.
I am now having to revisit those feelings, I am 26 weeks along with another baby and its a girl so I am again questioning my ability to raise girls without a clear understanding of why I feel so intensely nervous by this. I myself was raised with 5 sisters, I have friends and family raising two or more girls and have recently read about the intensity by which the lack of an opportunity to have a daughter affects some women's lives.
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| A. me with my daughter |
My daughter has changed my life, she is my best friend (under 3' tall), I have transformed myself and my life without even realizing it to accommodate her, to be with her, to protect her. She has reached back into the depths of my life and reshuffled everything I 'knew' my life would be, what I thought was my passion, how I defined my life and its value. Any mother will tell you how amazing their kids are, it comes with the territory like a girl scout badge everyone gets once they have conquered the nine or ten months of pregnancy and experienced bringing a human being into the world. I have nothing to compare the effect of motherhood to, except the intensity and hurt brought on by the sudden loss of my father, which effects have persisted beyond my own comprehension..but thats another story for another day.
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| B. my daughter |
I recently decided that one possible reason why unexpected and/or dramatic change has such a polarizing effect on me, has to do with the fact that I have always relied heavily on making anf following very detailed lists...sounds inconsequential right, maybe, but when 'The List' becomes almost like a map or script for your life, something to rely on as if it would come true as it was written, there wasn't any room for improvisation. I don't do improv very well, I don't like impromptu, I follow plans..regularly..without realizing it, I had invested time into planning many years of my life on paper, trained myself to rely on whatever the list said was going to happen or what I would achieve as my reality, so when life didn't go the way it was written (by me obviously..which is why it unravels) or even worse, something that hadn't even crossed my mind was devastating to me. 'The List' allowed me the comfort to confront life with the confidence that I (thought) needed. And then she came....
She has taught me to see life differently, value myself more, be willing to laugh and love. Its taken me still a few years to release a bit and become vulnerable to life's changes, I still write lists but they are more trivial, like what to buy from Target (so I don't get sucked into the abyss that is Target) or things I need to do on Saturday etc. but never anything beyond a few weeks. So I guess, baby steps may seem small but sometimes thats all one needs to really effect change.
The next morning, while getting ready for school, I asked her about what she had said the night before and she didn't really seem bothered by it. She just insisted that she didn't like "brown" not because of anything..her teachers name is Ms. Brown but she's not, she has one brown skinned girl in her class who she says she doesn't play with, so basically the only "brown" people she interacts with are myself and my family. I'm not sure what else to do, I've addressed it but I'm not sure I was able to clearly articulate that all people should be treated equally regardless of their color and how do you even convey that to a four year old?. And more importantly, I am really conflicted because I feel bad..slightly offended, I deal with this everyday, when I am out alone with Evalie, people often remark "that's a really cute baby" they assume she isn't' mine because she looks completely Caucasian maybe except for her curly black hair, when Arielle is with me and calls me mommy people are a bit less surprised because she's a bit darker and has long, extremely thick curly hair. 
Last year she was 21/2 and we did some dyeing but that was it, luckily, my sister (who has two daughters, 5 and 8 respectively) invited us over to a friends house who was having an Easter egg hunt for the kids and I was astounded at how much fun my girl had looking for little plastic eggs partially because there were other little ones running around and also because she hadn't really ever been exposed to this before i suppose. This Sunday, I hope to plan a little hunt with our neighbors little girls maybe but if not I'll have to make up for it somehow. I remember being younger and really looking forward to the days where we had cousins over for some occasion and it was an all day funday..
