#3: Why Women Still Can’t Have It All

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/

"Women of my generation have clung to the feminist credo we were raised with, even as our ranks have been steadily thinned by unresolvable tensions between family and career, because we are determined not to drop the flag for the next generation. But when many members of the younger generation have stopped listening, on the grounds that glibly repeating “you can have it all” is simply airbrushing reality, it is time to talk."-Anne-Marie Slaughter

I feel rather strongly about this topic for obvious reasons; I am continuously thinking about this and wondering if its already to late to "have it all"; before having a child no one talked about this to me and there is still a vast vacuum that exists surrounding this topic that needs to be addressed in this country if women are supposed to continue to develop themselves and compete on the global stage within their professions while having (...leading.) a family. So I have really struggled myself over the last four years since becoming a mother and trying to work for money, for satisfaction, to remain creative, for stability whatever, I have gone from elation to depression, to failure, to shame to pure pride, to everything one can think of but at the same time feeling myself losing myself, was I a parent, professional, professor, practitioner, wife mother, chef...) as I compared myself to my childless female colleagues and my husband (who has an almost identical educational training as mine!), I felt lost, like I had wasted many years of time and energy (tuition..even) and only to be become a mother?  Even as recently as a few months ago, I will admit, seriously doubting the decision to have another child because of this feeling of failing at what I have worked so hard to do, to become and what people find impressive about me..I suppose.

It's always fascinating when people ask me what I do and I say with pride "I'm an architect"..their brows furrow, they might as well have a ticker running along their foreheads and you can see the skepticism in their minds and I love it.. but if I were to say "I'm a mother.."..I would probably get a blank stare or the "thats so cute" pityful response. Its also kind of an intersting time for me to talk about this because I also struggled with wanting to hide the physical change of the body, because being  pregnant has made me feel even less confident, more aloof if you will,  in a profession where women don't don't express femininity for fear of being taken less serious than the male counterparts. As you may know the architects uniform is black on black on black fitted, slightly Avant Garde pieces that make you look slightly crazy yet intriguing...I digress. 

Mainly, I felt the article was quite poignant and was struck to hear the honesty about her struggles with the work-life balance and the various conversations that have emerged around this topic. It is still controversial but cannot remain on the backburner, it needs to be talked about, discussed at many levels and requires a dramatic effort to be addressed otherwise we risk compromising the abilities of a large population of overly qualified women who also feel strongly about their roles as parents.

Don't get me wrong, there are many things to consider here but as she says, she addresses the topic from the standpoint of her own self, right, so a well educated, well of, caucasian woman, but this is not to say this only exist there. There are very different challenges for women at various levels in the spectrum of careers and parenting but I believe even within these huge gaps there are just as many commonalties in which we all share the concern. I am quite a bit younger than her, graduated top of my Master class from an Ivy league university at 23, practice in an office for a few years and have been a professor since I was 25, I am also now technically considered 'African American" but I have faced similar challenges as a young professor and some of it from my own female colleagues. The fact that I had a baby at 31 really had an irreversible impact on my career which I am still trying to sort out almost 4 years later, I took a enormous blow for needing to very rigorous about my schedule and could not afford to do things on a whim because I had a babysitter waiting on me (whereas I had been very flexible for many years..), I commuted 4 hours a day just so I could be home every night rather than stay in a hotel, I could not be one of the guys and go out for drinks afterwards which was where a lot of networking took place, I was tired, depressed and had somehow changed in the eyes of my colleagues and it wasn't positive. Being one of three female faculty members  from a total of approximately 30-40),was tough as well, I had no role models to have this conversation with, one of my female colleagues had waited until she was 40 to have a child and regretted not trying earlier while the other hadn't even considered having a child, it was a choice and they chose 'work'.

The sad part of this all, is once I left this full time position, I thought I would take on an adjunct position at a school (with a lower ranking) but closer to my home and then try to ease into a full time position there, I am still waiting on that to happen, I am still being passed over for whatever reason ( I was shortlisted last year for a tenure track position which was ultimately given to a caucasian man) and do surely regret leaving my previous position because what I realize is that its not only at one institution, or one type of job,  this is pervasive, its impossible. So, even though we are not living on PBJ's, we can still afford nice clothing, my daughter goes to a great preschool, we have a nice house, two cars, taken vacations every year, we still eat out and I spend a tremendous amount of time with my daughter,  I miss the feeling of being respected for my mind, I miss being part of a community I worked so hard to join and now am on the outside because I had a child.