11 Weeks Old

Dear Evalie,

Its the second day of Fall, Arielle is back at school and you and I all of a sudden have time alone. Even though you still sleep quite a bit, we do have some quiet time together in the morning and we exchange smiles, I catch you in a gaze and we see each other clearly, we laugh and we talk. You are a very content little bundle and are very generous with your smiles. I don't know if this feeling will ever leave ( I hope it doesn't), I am still amazed by you. You have made it pretty easy to become a mother again, a mother of two little girls. You are a patient baby, you barely cry but rather express your feeling with little sounds. You already personify a lot of what you feel, for example, I can see when you look at your sister how much you admire her, I believe you will be best friends, she loves you, she protects you. She will not let you cry for one moment, once she hears you awake she warns me of this and urges me to pick you up and put her next to you. Every morning on the way to school (and any other time we are in the car) she holds your hand to make sure you aren't scared. 

You have two new tricks, they are sounds and sitting; you have started to attempt to sit up rather than recline when someones holding you. You also spend quite a bit more time in the bouncy chair and make the most wonderful and deliberate sounds, usually at the objects hanging in front of you but sometime at daddy if he's sitting next to you. You also are trying very hard to get you fingers in your mouth but this skill continues to elude you. Like your aunty said on Saturday, you are so loved. I love you more than I ever believed my heart could. 

Love Mummy.

Competitive Mothering

After a very bothersome conversation with a mother, I have been thinking about this issue of competitive mothering as I call it. Does becoming a mother inevitably mean we will compare our kids to others and make efforts to "keep up with the Joneses"? Is it something we all do by default? Are we supposed to have a rebuttal to every statement made about ones kids and are we built to brag about our kids to other mothers? This may be offensive to some but its quite curious to me when other mothers compare everything from what size diaper your baby wears at what age to who can count to 100 the fastest! I understand..I get it..I have two of them and I love them dearly but I really hope I don't make others feel less in conversation by constantly comparing kids..especially when the kids themselves don't care! They will have more than enough time to succumb to the pressures and expectations of academia and life but for now is it okay to let them be kids?
Earlier this summer when I asked my little one if she wanted to do swimming lessons, she responded "Sure, as long as I don't have to listen to instructions!" I find that really funny only because thats her personality..she 3 1/2, so should I be forcing her to do all these extracurricular activities now or else she'll be destined for mediocrity? It's great to have schedules for the kids and expose them to as much as possible but I think theres a limit to it and if they want to sit around and play with sand one day then let it be. The mom I'm referring to snickered and replied that her child could swim when he/she was two when I told her I was happy Arielle would take swimming lessons for the summer ! Lets face it, if your kid is going to be the next Gabby Douglas, Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt, they probably already have it in their DNA and all they need is your support for what they show interest in and if they miss the class for a day because they want to play in grass or attend a family event then its ok? No? 

Petit Maison: Part I

Day 1: House after a few hours of prep and a trip to the craft store

I like the idea of making things, this is one of the things architects do all day, the work involved in actually designing, sketching, cutting and assembling an object from scratch is fun for me so I decided to make a small play house for Arielle. Initially, she really wanted one large enough for her and her cousins to hide out in but there isn't anyway I can do that so we decided to make one large enough for her dolls. I am not really interested in making a dollhouse in the traditional sense of the word and I certainly don't have the time to do so either but I can handle a simple design so thats what I sketched up; A simple two story house with a pitched roof. It is very hard for me to keep it simple and not go into real design mode, start sizing beams and calculation stair risers! 

   

Anyway, we started by going to the craft store to buy supplies. I decided to base the house on the largest piece of birch plywood I could find in the store which turned out to be 12"x24"x1/8". Here's what we bought: (2) -12"x24"x1/8" birch plywood, (10) -4"x24"x1/8" basswood, (4) -4"x24"x3/32" basswood and a mix of miscellaneous wood dowels. I also got out my X-acto knife, blades, Sobo glue, architectural scale, pencils, chopper, cutting mat and metal ruler. 

After a quick sketch to figure out what rooms we wanted, we started building.

Because the birch plywood is so hard, I used 1/8" basswood strips for the exterior walls laminated to museum board. The was good for two reason; it gave the wall thickness ( stability) and made it so that I could have a wood finish on one side and white on the other. Arielle enjoyed covering the entire 22x30" board with glue. We then laid each sheet of basswood carefully onto the board and piled magazines atop to keep it flat while it dried. We did this twice, one sheet for the front and back walls and then another for the long side wall.

While that was drying, I measured and cut 4 dowels to use as the edges for the floor slabs. I cut (4) 24" pieces and (4) 12" peices-less the thickness of the dowels. I then glues these onto the bottome of the (2) 12"x24"x1/8" birch plywood sheets and set those aside to dry.

Once the laminated wood and museum boards were dry, I drew out the profiles for the front and back sides and the side and began to cut them out using the x-acto knife and a metal ruler.

As I finished cutting them out I decided to try to assmeble the house to see if things fit together properly. Its important to do this before you glue anything together so you can adjust and trim where needed. If I was using a laser cutter, I wouldn't worry but because I am manually cutting this out by hand, I need to make things line up properly. I did this by basically using anything I could find to hold the walls up with and masking tape.

Two picture frames are holding up the second floor and I taped the walls together at the corners.

It took me a few hours to do all this only because I had a 3 year old helper and a 6 week old strapped to me in a Moby wrap but really its a quick process from start to finish. The next step will be to design and cut out the fenestration and interior walls.

After doing this, we took another trip to the craft store to get more board and pick out wall paper to decorate the house with. Arielle picked out this Dalmatian figure and the lady at the checkout forgot to ring it up until after I had paid up. I promised we'd be back to get it another time but a young lady behind us actually asked her to ring it up with her stuff and gave it to Arie...I had no idea people like this still existed..but it really made Aries day! So now we have a pet for our house.

Next Post: Fenestration and interior walls....

These days...

These days, the only thing I seem to yearn for is silence, a moment to be still and for my heart to stop racing, when all is said and done albeit temporary but its a blissful little piece of time that I search for each day to just be me, to observe from a distance, to appreciate the goodness we've created and to hope for the future. 

By the way don't Arie and Evie's profiles look similar? same button nose, deep eyes and peppy lips (and "Yes"...Arie has a binky.. don't judge her! "Yes", she's almost four but still holds on to some baby securities..I choose my battles!)

Finding Her Balance

Try and try again..this is a lesson I haven't really had to teach my daughter so far she does so on her own, she is very persistent about things she finds interesting or she is determined to do (Thank God!). She's been watching the amazing young girls of the U.S. Gymnastics team and has become even more enamored by gymnastics than she was earlier this summer. I had tried to get her into a gymnastics course for the summer but they wouldn't allow her to join because she was not four years old yet, so she's found every occasion to practice on her own...in our living room, at parks, in the back etc. And she can do this for hours just trying to get her balance..she yells out "look mommy I stuck my landing!". How precious! As a new big sister, she has had a shaky few weeks, she was my baby in every sense of the word and being told she isn't a baby anymore has seemed more like a punishment to her so I am almost in tears when I see her excited and relaxed (not questioning if I still love her..) I really hope she can find her balance...

Portrait of a Mother: Part II

A few months ago, I began to write about and work through my feelings about being a mother to a little girl and also the realization that I would soon be a mother to two little girls in a post called 'Portrait of a Mother', I was 26 weeks pregnant at the time. In hindsight, I could have never fully understood what it is to have these two children until it actually happened, and today, a typical Wednesday morning, is not at all 'typical' for me. My mind is slowly realizing that I am in fact a mother of these two precious little ones; its been two weeks since Evalie was born but today is my first day without the support of many nurses and doctors, my mom, sisters and brother, I have no guests, play dates scheduled..and my husband is gone. (he's back to work today!). I am truly and solely responsible for them, they will depend on me for everything (one, more so than the other). I think the biggest pressure I feel right now is to not make Arielle feel like she isn't getting any attention, but also to balance the time that I spend with Evalie because I have waited so long for theses moments and they are fleeting, I want the opportunity to savor them. I want to be able to play with Arielle, cuddle with her and also have time to cuddle my little bundle while she still fits nicely in between my bosom and my palm. Its a challenge, a nice one, the one I've chosen for myself. 

I may look tired and not so fashionable for now but its these times we will look back on and miss dearly, I want to be able to look back fondly and be thankful that I took the time off to be with my babies. 

Notes on a second

Having not only a second child but also a daughter, for me has been rather amazing, there is no repetition, it is not even a known feeling, its all a novel experience, she is all new, her smell, her little sounds, her features, her demeanor, they are all her own and so beautiful. She is perfect in every way, everything I could have hoped for, filled with love, curiosity, a kind of innocence that never can be regained. Its all so amazing and much to absorb and there's nothing else like it even after a having a first child. I am in absolute awe of this little baby girl and although she's rather quiet, she already has captured spots in the hearts of her family especially her big sister.

Weird.

What do you do when theres a little bully on the playground who's mother does not accept that her child might be a problem?

Do I let the child know that she's (or he) better watch her step? Do I sit back and trust that my little girl will find her way out of it? Do I take her out of the situation (save her)? Do I get the mom to say something?

Well I chose the second and it worked! Although Arie adopted an aversion strategy instead of talking/fighting back, it worked. She solved her own playground dispute without any help from us.

Kids are brutal on one another! gosh in the last few days I have had two playground encounters with little girls that makes me think what I have in store for myself. The mean girls (popular) and the others already exists at an early age and I think its reinforced knowingly by the mothers, simply by not addressing the kids actions, we encourage our children to make others feel bad for no good reason! 

Here's a little story: Arielle was playing by herself at the sand tables (there were 5 separate ones) and got confronted by two little girls about her age and a curiously bigger girl (maybe 12 yrs), they asked her her name numerous times and she just played deaf with a stone face (whats that all about..?). Anyway, she eventually joined in playing beside them and one of the two little girls snatched the shovel from her and would not give it back..backed by the 12 yrs girl, Arielle tried to get it back to no avail so she left. As she played at another table by herself, the friend of the snatcher came over to join her and this angered the other girl..at some point the little girl started crying loudly and screaming "I said I was sorry".. her mom as well as the mom of the other little one came over and scooped them both away..leaving Arielle playing once again by herself. The twelve year old shared the story with them but they seemed to not care. When I asked Arielle if everything was alright (because she didn't seemed phased by this at all), she said "yes" but let me know that the girls had said she was "WEIRD"..what? What's so weird about her? Not nice little girl! 

Melancholy

This Saturday started out a bit strange and continued to be quite challenging for me; it was a glorious day but I was exhausted with a capital E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D! I woke up at about 8am and stayed up for most of the morning, made breakfast for everyone while husband and baby were outside planting for hours. The time alone is usually appreciated but I was not handling it well, I was feeling really 'alone'. Feeling a bit unlike myself, heavy, blurred and just not normal. This was very disappointing because I had planned to either go to the The Great Googa Mooga Festival in Brooklyn's Prospect park or just check out the Thomas Bull Memorial park (some lady told me about on friday) and spend the day out enjoying the weather; neither happened.

Without detailing the actual events of the morning that set off my permanent cloud over my head, I will say that this is something I am used to and can usually get out of rather quickly on my own so as not to waste any valuable time I could spend with Arielle having fun. This time I could not shake it, I was mentally weighted, feeling doubt about decisions I cannot go back and change, feeling like I needed to convince myself that the rest of the year will turn out to be as wonderful as I have imagined it would be.

I eventually took a nap ( which I never do no matter how tired I am), I slept from noon until I peeked out and saw that it was 1:35 and I didn't even want to get up and thats what bothered me, I don't like feeling and haven't felt like that in a while..you know the feeling of just not wanting to face the day! As the day went on I tried to loosen up, I needed to feed and take care of my daughter, we hadn't even had any lunch and there I was sleeping the day away.

I'll just say that even though it took a few hours the day got slightly better with food, fresh air and summer (like) sunlight. Arielle always gets me to smile. Since my last day of class is tomorrow, I'll have a few grading issues to tie up but then I am free  to focus on having a baby. Judging from yesterday, this could be really good or really bad, I get the feeling the next few weeks will be mentally tough rather than physically, I will continue to hit the gym until June 14th which is when my 'medical' suspension (..gym speak for we won't continue to charge you for something you  haven't used in several months) begins and Arielle has until May 31st in daycare/preschool and then we're taking her out for the summer. I plan to take advantage of the next two weeks, so I'll take her in even though I'll be home just so I get sometime to myself, she gets time to play with her friends and then in June we're going to take swim lessons together at the new YMCA until I can no longer move...if this kid is anything like my sweet girl, she'll be here one week late (July 8th)..and thus making for a really lame July 4th. Yay!..NOT..!

Mother's Day

I had thought 3 years ago (after being a mom for 6 months) that becoming a mother had changed me tremendously but what I have realized is that it continues to change me over time, everyday in every way. at every moment, that relationship is redefined, its never constant and the feelings I experience are always changing, they shift from one extreme to another and everything in between but they are all amazing. I am happiest when I can sit with my baby cuddled next to me and just be quiet, its the only pure moment left in my day. Everything else seems crowded, intense for no reason, contentious, nervous, rushed, uncomfortable but in that moment when all I have to do is wrap my arms around a little body and not even speak but still convey how much love I feel for her, its pure. I think I was made to be a mother and she was perfectly sculpted to be my daughter, we have similar personalities but she has a sweetness that has really softened me and revitalized the romantic dreamer in me which I thought I may have lost. (Arielle, you will never really know the kind of effect you have had on me, I love you.)

I woke up feeling a bit run down (allergies, headache, tired..) and extremely hungry so I went hobbled downstairs and got myself some tea and a yogurt while I waited quietly for my little one (the monkey..) and husband (the bear..) to wake up. Amid the snores, snorts and rolls, I had some quiet time to myself and thought about the fact that I was about to become a mother again. I have just over 6 weeks, which could be just over 4 weeks or more ( if she decided she's had it with my confines), she'll be full term in 3 weeks. From my position in bed I glance up and have a direct view into the baby's room and her crib; we had put a bookcase in the room and finished up some little projects in there on Saturday evening after back to back birthday parties so the nursery looks 'done' and ready to receive a baby. Its kind of amazing how it came together, I really stuck to the the initial sketch I had made months ago.

Anyway, Mothers day took off when they woke up and stepped out to get breakfast stuff, when they returned I was extremely hungry and a bit grumpy but things went  pretty smoothly; in our house I usually cook but this morning my husband made breakfast and cleaned up afterwards! They also brought me beautiful orchids, cards and a little potpourri container which Arielle made at school and had hidden behind the curtain for two days all by herself. It was really nice that she actually 'gets' what mothers day is. She said to me at one point "Are you having a good mothers day mama? because..you are a mother (mudda)!", in her best 'matter of fact' tone. 

I still felt a bit sleepy and had told them that all I wanted was a nap, so they both left me to sleep when I fell asleep and I got a good 2 hour nap in, I woke up feeling much better (to Arielle and her little friend tip- toeing through my room getting toys out!). We then went to a late lunch, home depot (to get hardware to hang my new mirror-gift as well) and Home goods just to look around for any little additions for he baby room (Austin said it lacked color!). I found two nice rugs that I had wanted for very affordable prices, a large rattan rug for the kitchen and a yellow chevron for the nursery. Shopping and goods deals always put me in a great mood!

He had also planned an extravagant dinner but we were so full from lunch that we instead got a strawberry shortcake on the way home to have for desert instead. It was a nice day and everyone was sleeping by 9:30. 

Over PROTECTING our children

My sweet girl 

Its no secret that I am a cross between a helicopter mom, a tiger mom, a self professed attachment parent and a mush! I've gone from being a nervous wreck over the news of having a daughter to not being able to even leave this little girl without falling to pieces. I know its partially my fault that she is also rather clingy, she melts when she has to leave me, she melts when she's had to leave her cousins, she's genuinely saddened when family hang outs have to come to an end. She loves so hard already that I'm so afraid for what life's ups and downs will do to her heart and spirit.
I certainly hope she has everything she's ever wanted and never gets turned down or let down but thats not possible and its healthy to know what it is to lose someone you love or not to get your way or win all the time, the issue is that its my responsibility to teach her that concept and how to cope (and in a few weeks..I'll have two!) I'm not sure even I have developed my coping skills to  a degree where I feel completely secure in giving others life defining advice/ guidance. I know, I know, she's only 3 1/2 and she must develop some of this on her own from mistakes and such but its really hard to see your little one hurt isn't it?  So how do I do this?  Still thinking?

If I may digress, I thinks that's been the shift in my mindset, now as I'm expecting another child, and I am still surprised by the fact that I'm not nearly as anxious as I was to meet my first. By week 33 the last time around I was so, so, so anxious I thought I would burst but right now, I realize that in 7 weeks I will have a baby girl and I am okay with that and the time left before we meet. Knowing the littlest is safe in there just swimming around with no idea what's out here is so comforting to me and of course, I take her with me everywhere.

My sweet girl and one her friends (what do 3 year olds say to each other?)

Anyway, so how do young-ish moms (and dads..I suppose) who work and therefore leave their children for the whole or part of the day feel about the type of care the kids get and the effects of the experiences your children have outside your protection. Yes, she's only 3 1/2 but she expresses herself quite well and when we discuss her day, there are things she tells me that make me proud and there are things that make me want to just quit and take care her myself..I will warn you this is the 'mush' part of me speaking now so you may not think this is as critical as I did last night..but my sweet girl has been drinking a larger juice box this week (Yes..its THAT dramatic!) and has had two accidents during nap time at school this week, so I asked her about this before bed and she said she felt embarrassed because Michael C. (yep I'm calling him out!) was laughing at her while she was changing! Immediately my mind starts racing.."why was Michael C. in the bathroom while you were changing?.."Why wasn't your teacher helping you?"..."Did she stop Michael C. from harassing you?"...I bombarded this little girl with questions hoping something she says would make me feel better about this. I'm not sure if she felt as bad as I did, and if my line of questioning might have recast another light on the experience for her. 

I dont think, its okay for little kids (boys and girls) to change together..is that wrong? I don't appreciate the teacher telling my daughter that she doesn't need help changing because she's a "big girl"..and I certainly have no appreciation for Michael C. making fun of my baby because she had an accident ( I got my eye on you little boy!) So am I overreacting? Should I say something to the teacher or is this just par for the course?

I've heard people's feeling on this kind of attachment parenting or overprotection of your children, that it results in 'spoiled and bratty', 'undisciplined', 'disobedient' and even overly independent children but I tend to think that theres enough they have to deal with so early on that my role as a mother needs to cushion some of those realities for as long as I can. 

WORK? Childcare or Homecare?

Arielle at 2 months old

When I found out I was expecting my first child, I was ecstatic as you may imagine but as things settled in I began to think of the consequences of returning to work after baby. This is an issue that is extremely complex and certainly varies widely depending on your position in your field and income but in general, I think after 40weeks of worrying about the well being of your baby within your body, the baby is born and precious and then the worrying continues but just in another way. 

Once you emerge from the initial fog of new motherhood, reality sets in and you realize you may have made a decision (determined parental leave) which seemed like the right one many months before actually meeting your little one but may actually be harder to fulfill than you ever expected. Sure there are the logical issues like money but then there are heavier issues like mentally returning to normal (mommy brain is real you'all!)  and the biggest, hardest part (for me..at least) was parting with this little thing you love so much and handing him/ her over to a person you may have met a few times. Not everyone has this 'problem', some people are fortunate to have family members to help out or have the ability to work from home etc. but for many women, the idea of having to return to work is hard to deal with moreover, is there anyone who you feel is suited to take care of your newborn?

I am an assistant professor and have taught for several years so for me the situation was a bit complicated because of the higher education structure, basically  the Fall semester begins in August and Spring semester begins in January and I remember looking into the faculty handbook and realizing that although the benefits were absolutely fantastic, they suggested that we try to align our paternal leave with the semester scheduling. My daughter was due at the end of September so I could take the Fall semester off (with full pay) and return in January which at the time seemed like I couldn't have planned it better but in fact, she was born in October and the months between that and January flew by, and suddenly there I was leaving my home to a perfect stranger and handing my 3 month old baby over to a woman I had found through an ad we placed, I was a mess, I cried every morning in private. I thought it would be easier to at least have someone with the baby in our home with our things and the baby in her own crib where she could be fully attended to..it wasnt. Arielle eventually began attending a daycare center when she was 10 months old and could walk..this was still hard.

This time around, my timing is actually worse if thats even possible; my semester ends in a few weeks, I'll be about 34 weeks and the baby is due July 1st which basically means I have 7 or 8 weeks before the Fall semester! I have to decide by Monday if I intend to return for Fall 2012 or not which means I need to have some idea of who will watch the baby and how much this will cost. Arielle's current daycare/preschool also takes babies at 8 weeks but I feel really apprehensive about leaving such a young baby in a group scenario especially if I am trying to nurse. I feel strongly about mothering, being present and instilling certain things early on so in my mind the benefits of staying with my baby far outweigh the monetary gain I would get from returning to work after 7 weeks but if I don'd do so then I am out from June until January which may be a bit too long to stay home I think as well as keep Arielle home from play/preschool. Anyway, I had decided last year to try to just do what feels right and everything will fall into place, its a very vulnerable place to be but it may just be the spirit of this time. 

Jews and Gentiles..?

Its a complicated little life we've created here for our children, everything we do as parents and as individuals have effects both large and small on our children. The manner in which we speak and the things we say to them and others might teach them tolerance, patience, kindness..the way we treat our environment might teach them about responsibility and longevity, the way we feel about ourselves when we look in the mirror might teach them about confidence and acceptance.  We all imagine our children's lives in the most positive light, we go to great lengths to protect them from things that might hurt them or taint their innocence but sometimes even that is not enough to shield them from the pressures of life.

Since I wasn't born in this country and spent a fair amount of my life living in my home country before moving to the US,  in some ways my attitude towards issues of race and religion aren't in line with some of the philosophical debates or always in the forefront of my thinking or even clearly defined, I try not to see people by the color of their skin but realize that there are a lot of very strong opinions and stereotypes built into the social structure of this country so I realize I am often seen by others as a color, whether that color is black, brown, chocolate or considered to positive or negative. Certainly, it makes things easy for me to wake up every morning and walk out into the world expecting to treated with fairness and respect but this isn't always the case, so how do we prepare our children to face this almost inevitable form of prejudgement? I thought a lot about this before getting married to a "white Jew from brooklyn"(with all its grand connotations..") and felt it wasn't enough of a reason to now go out and make an effort to find a man who was considered a 'match' for my color, religion, upbringing, social class etc. Again, when my daughter was born and had to decide if she would be exposed to Catholicism, Judaism or nothing, we decided to just go with nothing, we didn't Baptize her until last summer and she was almost three. 

I have recently begun thinking about these issues of race and religion again when she asked me one night if the baby was going to be "my color or her and her daddy's color.." and I had no good answer to this, I just laughed and said we would find out when she was born, but this indicated two things to me, firstly she now sees me as different than her daddy and she identifies with his 'color'. I asked her what color I was, to which she responded "brown" and her dad "white" and herself.."white" and then her cousin (pictured above).."black"! So that completely went out the window.

Th next scenario was a few nights ago when she chose a book to read before bed and it happened to be the children's bible she received as a gift at her Baptism! She asked my husband who is a non practicing Jew and is very skeptical of all religions to read it her. He went along with it until she asked him who 'God' was because he was the only character not shown in any of the illustrations on the pages, he hesitated and provided no answer because he has no belief in this but also didn't want to say that to her. After she asked a few more times he pointed to a giraffe and she was satisfied.

This past weekend, we celebrated both Passover (Seder with her great grandmother) and Easter (egg hunt at home) and although she didn't really acknowledge what the meaning of the days were she eventually will and if anything, she will inevitably chose and  identify with one tradition or the other right?
As a parent, I feel like I must be prepared to tackle these questions with confidence and in detail because at almost 4 years old, her questions are getting quite sophisticated and she senses a lot from being around us as well, I would hate for her to learn intolerance as a result of our carelessness but also she needs to be able to identify herself within the context of recognized races in the US which is technically defined as 'mixed race' or 'bi-racial'. We all know how complicated this can be, in almost 4 years, the race and citizenship of our own president is still in question, you'd be surprised how many people think he's black (technically, the first African- American president of the US) and non-american till this day (he's actually mixed-race born in Honolulu, Hawaii) but why does he never get referred to as white (his mother was properly white, from Kansas)?

I had heard of a project by another blogger called The Mixed Race Project which quotes that according to the 2010 census, more than 9 million Americans identified themselves as multi racial-a jump of 32% in 10 years. I wasn't sure why I was drawn to being featured on it but now I realize that at least its a small step towards placing us, our family, within a group of others who also struggle to define themselves and be defined.